Which is more difficult: marriage or parenthood?
Posted on 01-13-09 · The Mommy Journals Tags: marriage, positive parentingI’ve (temporarily) returned the index page to its more journal-like layout because I want to call your attention to the video ad of Momversations. No, this is not a plug. And, no, this is not to get you to click on the ad. Do or don’t, it doesn’t matter to me. The reason I wanted to focus on Momversations is because one of the most recent discussions there center around which is harder, marriage or parenthood. And that really made me think. And I wonder if it was an incomplete question and whether it should include a time frame. Like, is marriage harder than parenthood during the first five years? Does it get easier while parenthood becomes more demanding or challenging? Or, perhaps, neither eases up and both become an uphill battle as time goes on.
“Difficult” or “hard” are words I’ve never used to describe marriage and parenthood. No doubt there have been difficult times, very trying, very stressful, but those consisted of moments. But if I were to quantify (number of dramatic highlights and emo moments) and qualify (whether cuss words and threats were thrown around, and amount of tears shed) and determine which had resulted in more trying times, at the outset, I am convinced that marriage is more difficult. Not because I have a lousy husband. I have a great husband — not perfect but definitely a better specimen than most. Not because I am a lousy wife either (no one’s perfect but I come pretty close hehehe — kidding, that’s the print on one of Alex’s shirts). It has to do with many things, some of which I have no name for.
A mother is older and presumably wiser more mature than her children. Because she knows that she cannot, and should not expect, children to think and act like adults, she develops boundless patience and understanding for them. Call it maternal instinct, this desire to nurture and protect the child. And even as children grow older, the parent will always have a head start until such time that parent and children are all adults. I suppose that there is a certain amount of emotional and psychological resignation and preparedness and, to a certain extent, a lack of expectation, and that makes it less stressful for any mature parent. Right, a mature parent. Chances are, the emotional and psychological resignation and preparedness won’t be there if the mother is no more than a child herself.
In a marriage, both partners are adults. At least, presumably. While a mother is expected to raise her children, a wife is not expected to raise her husband. And vice versa. Totally different roles, different expectations, different everything. And a spouse comes to you ready-made — with a complete history, prejudices, convoluted priorities, annoying habits, expensive tastes, bad fashion sense or whatever, and everything else that adults are made of. They come with in-laws and, often, a barkada too. And those things cannot be undone to transform one’s spouse into someone more agreeable, comfortable and easier to be with.
I also look at it from the perspective of living with strangers. A child is no stranger to his parent, the physical tie being there from the first moment of the child’s life. But a spouse is a stranger and not even a blood relative. And marriage is a lifetime of getting to know one another — adults who were complete persons before they started sharing a life together. While there may be an emotional tie in the relationship itself, marriage is really nothing more than legal fiction. No, no, no… the “What God has put together…” stuff does not figure here.
So, how can marriage not be more difficult than parenthood? The odds are greater from the start and society makes things even more difficult. You know, all those conflicting signals. For instance, Article 70 of the Family Code says, “The spouses are jointly responsible for the support of the family.” Yet, culture still calls the husband/father the breadwinner and provider. Article 71 says, “The management of the household shall be the right and the duty of both spouses.” Oh, come on. How many husbands and fathers willingly do the marketing, cooking, cleaning and taking care of the children? Most men are so adamant about drawing a line that divides manly and unmanly chores. And the sad part is that this attitude finds support in our culture. If you think that things like that do not add even more stress, it’s time to think again.
That’s not to say, of course, that society and culture do not add stress to parenthood too. They do. And this is more evident in Western countries where, in many cases, it is difficult to determine where parental authority ends and child abuse begins. And I’m not just talking about physical punishment. Several months ago, I wrote a column about the California appellate court’s decision in In re RACHEL L. et al (No. B192878, Second District, Division Three, February 28, 2008) that pitted the child’s right to education against the parent’s right to home school a child as a consequence of the exercise of religious freedom. To put it in more direct terms, some parents prefer not to send their children to regular schools because they do not want them to be “tainted” with other beliefs.
Ain’t one’s role as spouse and parent difficult enough that the state, society and culture have to complicate it even more… Or, perhaps, state, society and culture are the very reasons that marriage and parenthood have become difficult. And I wonder if it is the laws and norms associated with marriage that ruin relationships.
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As soon as I read the question I immediately answered MARRIAGE! Marriage, marriage, marriage.
They are not as adorable as your kids di ba? When they annoy you, they can’t make pa-cute and everything will be okay, unless you’re still in the throes of a budding romance.
When they do things like just drop their dirty clothes on the floor for the nth time, you can’t make the excuse that “they’re just kids” and grit your teeth and pick them up lovingly. I pick them up annoyed, dammit.
They don’t look like you, so you can’t look at them fondly and say, oh yes, you got that from me. When they do something inexplicable and down-right irritating you’re more likely to ask “Where the hell did you come from, the mountains or something?”
Plus, they answer back. Mas pilosopo pa sa mga anak mo di ba? And if they’re being disrespectful you can’t cut off their allowance, or internet time, take away their cell phone and such as punishment.
Aaah, marriage. They’re a lot of hard work. There should be awards for making it work.
HAHAHAHA I almost fell off my chair laughing. So true! Can’t teach old dogs new tricks. I hate the part where they can’t learn to put up the toilet seat before peeing. Oh, and Speedy doesn’t leaves clothes on the floor. HE HANGS THEM ON CLOSET HANDLES. If we hadn’t divided the closets between us, he’d be hanging them on ALL the handles including mine.
To me, marriage is easier because it can be given up if it comes to a point where nothing really works anymore between the spouses. But not parenting, never.
i am so tempted to say marriage but they both have stages. like anything there are cycles.
life would be boring without the struggles, petty nuances and problems.
MATURITY is a major trait to have.
Me think it’s marriage. You’ll never know the real person sleeping next to you until you put on that ring.
BTW, I beg to differ on sharing of household chores. Living in a foreign land and nobody to depend on but ourselves, I have my share of cooking, doing the laundry, mopping the wee-wee, wiping the ahh-ahh and flushing the poo-poo. Not to mention its my sole duty to take out the garbage every night.
Rhodora, yeeeesss!! One can walk out of a marriage but not out of parenthood. Of course, there are cases where parents give up their children for adoption or abandon them but I don’t think those decisions are as easy as ending a marriage. But I’m thinking, if it’s easier for people to give up on marriage, then, it must be more difficult? Or is it about “worth”?
Cocoy, I suppose that’s why immature people who get married and have children often have a more difficult time coping.
BlogusVox, congratulations! You’re one of those men who don’t feel less manly for doing those things!
Connie! I can feel your emotions building up with every sentence. Hahaha!
Well, for now I can’t contribute on the weighings. All I can say is that I am so thankful for having my wife for a wife. And that I am so proud of my wife. And to put my feet a little off the ground, when they were still here, I most often cook dinner, clean the bottles, buy groceries and go to the market. And not easy to be given the task of being the disciplinarian, who wants to be take the role of a kontrabida?
And I am so thankful that I am given the chance to be a husband and a father unlike those who chose not to or just had no other choice
Di ko ma-click ang link, di rin gagana at sa phone lang ako nagsusurf. Walang internet sa dorm!
ako, i think it’s the same. i’m in the beginning of knowing-who-the-real-husband is.and also midst of being a mother to a toddler and a 2 month old baby.it’s really hardwork.no nanny.no lola.no tito or tita.nobody but me dealing with them everyday.
BUT,i thank what i am in right now.i was enlightened by a what i’ve read…that…doing a mountain of laundry means that my family is beside me…that…cooking for 3 means,i will not eat alone..that waking up at 3 am to feed my baby means i’m blessed with an angel..and so..i am thankful that i am doing this is because,GOD still loves me and bless me everyday.
It’s unwise to paint with one bold stroke either marriage or parenthood as more the more difficult relationship. Each type of relationship bears its own complexities. It’s dependent on so many factors – such as personalities and environment. It’s a long road down the line to making one’s marriage work becuase no one is perfect.
and it is an equally difficult road to ensure that one raises ones children successfully to adulthood and who will be fully independent and a good contribution to society.
Kotsengkuba, banned pa rin blog ko sa office nyo?
gingervp, we chose the no nanny path too even though we raised our daughters in the Philippines. And, yes, there’s an indescribable joy when your child seeks you out rather than the nanny or the lola.
Maria, it is unwise to keep playing it safe and maintaining political correctness especially when the issue calls for a personal opinion rather than making a sweeping generalization.
i have yet to know how to be a parent but i agree on the points on why marriage is difficult than
parenthood–i can so relate!! haha.
basta ako ang masasabi ko lang sa marriage: challenging sya
mainly because like you said, society plays a big role in marriages nowadays. sometimes mas malaki pa ang expectations nga mga nakapaligid sa couple kaysa sa mismong couples.
1st thought was parenthood for me. 2 people in a marriage are both adults. they’re each responsible for their actions. there’s accountability on each part. well, you’d hope anyway.
parenthood is so much harder for me. my kids act up, i immediately think people would think i’m a terrible parent. my son doesn’t get A’s, i assume the Teacher thinks I’m a lousy parent. and the society tells you too. some heartless asshole murders someone, who do you think they look at? Parents. “his parents must have been shitty people”.
So yeah, that’s what I think.
naoopen naman, sa commenting lang may problema. ewan kung naaakismet pero wala naman sinasabing comment under moderation. basta after i submit, nothing happens. the page just reloads
For me, marriage is more difficult, since as individuals you have to work around each other’s differences and may mga instances talaga na gusto mo na isoli ang asawa mo sa nanay nya
Being a parent is a gift, but it comes with great responsibility (parang si Spiderman).
If you ask me this question when I was in my 30′s,
the reply was definitely Marriage.There were times
that I asked myself “Saan ba tribo galing,’to”.
Do I really deserve spending my spare time picking
dirty socks up in the middle of the room? But then at times he would jokingly mumble “Kung pwede lang
kitang isoli”.
But now,I would say that being a Mother is way more difficult than being a Wife.
When I see any of my children in Pain,be it physical or emotional..it hurts me 10x more.
I cry when they cry,I’m awake when I know they can’t sleep.I can’t swallow when they can’t eat.That’s the hardest role I play…that of being a MOM.Don’t get me wrong…it’s also the most rewarding!!!
When Speedy and I told my mother we were getting married, she said to him, “Walang solian.” HAHAHAHAHAHA
Marriage is harder than parenthood. As you said, two people come into a marriage with their own set of values, habits, etc. They already have their own identities that’s why you have to work around these things and we do not have full control over these things kaya harder ang marriage. In parenthood, we get to be the ones who mold a child’s character kaya mas madali kasi anticipated mo na ang reaction. You know your children ever since they were born kaya mas madali.
I would have said parenting as the responsibility is so great. But after having read the comments, oo nga naman. Pulos me punto. Basta sa bahay namin, ako ang leon. Ang asawa ko ang trainer.
Tito Rolly, I hope she uses a whip HAHAHAHAHA
I absolutely agree with Dexie. I’m not responsible for changing my husband’s habits, for shaping his personality and trivial things like getting him to work on time, and I’m sure he feels the same way about me. We’ve lived together for almost 6 years and it is easy to work out issues and compromise on things we disagree about. On the other hand, for my daughter (in a few days, two daughters) it’s the complete opposite; we need to create a safe, nurturing environment and provider her/them with a sense of what’s “normal”.
Parents with kids who turn out wonderfully deserve praise, but there’s also an element of luck involved. A couple may do everything right, and 3 of their 4 kids grow up to be responsible citizens and caring parents themselves, but if even one kid has issues like this 18-year-old in South Korea, the parents will feel like failures and blame themselves, and so will society. Whereas if a marriage fails (except if there was adultery or abuse, of course) nobody blames the couple. We just say that it didn’t work out.
Definitely, marriage is more difficult than parenting. 20 yrs and parenting is over. Marriage is until death do us part or sooner when couple can get rid of each other.
My wife and I share the same interests and are clean freaks (I guess my son got the infection from us – you can imagine his expression if somebody uses his bathroom) with slight difference, she can tell if somebody touches her stuff and I can’t.
We knew each other so well and yet there is not a month that we didn’t fight. We would have been divorced a long time ago. Amazingly we long each other and always patch up.
I was foolish and ambitious enough to court a senior in the firm, a beauty queen and top of her class. Only to be dumped for being a lousy kisser (a wake up call that certain french thing cannot be taken literally as french fries). I thought I was lucky given the second chance. Though nanay had to ask me twice if I really understood marrying a strong willed woman. Marriage is without precondition. Unlike my son who keeps a laundry list early and give him a piece of advice that unless you take chances you wouldn’t know what you are missing.
Now I cook (don’t want to be starved), do groceries, clean the house, drive and pickup the kid to school, etc… I would not have learned without a fight. But we continue to fight refusing the old wisdom of keeping my mouth shut. In the end, she is always right though all my in-laws always take my sides which hardly matter since they can sleep without my wife.
She said she would have been old maid if not for my persistence but I thought I will not getting married again for whatever reason.
Marriage is a never ending work in progress and it is the challenges that makes it difficult but worth to live by.
I think people can make a better go of marriage if they’d stop thinking of it in terms of romance and fairy tales. Once can’t stay starry eyed all his life. Lots of people kasi think that marriage is about kisses and anniversary gifts and bouquets of roses.
I’m with Dexie, as well. My husband is pretty easy-going and reasonable most of the time. My kids are not.
Probably, you are right Sass. But it is women that long for romance (not only February) and sometimes put you on the spot as “you are not like before”. Naturally a wife wants to be reassured at certain point, I can understand that. You know it is a valid argument when my friend decried that his, is becoming a dreaded brother and sister type and we both “yuck” and laughed at it at the same time.
Marriage, definitely, is more difficult. I can correct my toddler-daughter’s diction and she will enthusiastically follow, while the husband will sulk.
Hi Connie. Your blog was recommended by a dear friend in the Philippines, Ruby. I so love your blog and have been reading your entries and enjoying them. I am based in England and a Pinay married to an English man. I say marriage is more difficult. We’ve been married for more than 3 years now and habang tumatagal nakikita na namin ang kulay ng isa’t isa, hahaha! Lumalabas ang kulay pag nagagalit. Dati malambing pa pag nagagalit, habang tumatagal nawawala na yata yun. I don’t know but I think love and commitment must always be stronger than whatever it is that two people disagree with.
d0d0ng, re “a wife wants to be reassured at certain point”. That applies to husbands too except that a lot of men prefer to get reassurance by womanizing as if to prove they’re still attractive.
Lemon, LOL talk about who’s the baby eh?
Len, re “habang tumatagal nakikita na namin ang kulay ng isa’t isa”. Nakow, more colors will show within the next couple of years. Truth is, marriage is a lifetime of getting to know one another. Just when you think you know your partner so well, you discover something new. We’ve been married 17 years and we still manage to surprise one another from time to time.
Aray! Daming nalintekan dyan…. Dapat lang naman, di ba?
So it is definitely the spouses sabotaging the relationship, not the laws and norms associated with marriage (the last statement in your article).
Thanks.
Well, whether we like it or not, whether we admit it or not, actions are almost always influenced by norms — including in-laws.
I’m going to vote for parenthood. But then again, my son is only 3 months old.
Lost access to your blog for a while because of tighter security in the office, but I can access again…
Really hard to make a decision on this one, but I guess I’ll have to say parenthood. The responsibilities of bringing up a child is heavier, and consequences are even more so.
Leave your spouse alone, even for a few days and they’ll survive. You can’t say the same of a child, especially those that cannot yet feed themselves.
And in terms of nurturing relationships, iba rin ang discussion altogether. Part of a child’s well-being is having parents that live happily and harmoniously together. It’s not a necessity, but if without it, or even worse, being in a family with parents that are each other’s necks… the impact is major.
But I can argue either way on this; just let me know which side you want me to take.
I hear my blog is banned in a lot of offices in the Philippines, especially law offices hahahaha
The two arguments really have both their shares of discussion. It’s actually a good topic for a debate. I am one who is blessed with a good husband and children. What I don’t like in my marriage is my relationship with MIL. And what I fear in parenthood is whether I instill enough values and principles to my children so that they will be able to make right decisions when they grow up.
What I fear about parenthood is learning how to balance discipline with magnanimity. You know, set the boundaries but leave enough room for the child to grow and develop as an individual. Those boundaries change from situation to situation and from day to day and you just feel that, every time, you’re just such a greenhorn hayyyy…
The point about changing boundaries day to day, situation to situation – that’s why I think parenthood is more difficult. Really such a bigger room for error. The fact that in marriage, you’re working with an adult (or so you hope), the fact that it’s not the case in the early stages of parenthood is what makes it more complicated. And ultimately, the parent will always be the one at fault if something happens.
Nikita, re “ultimately, the parent will always be the one at fault if something happens…”
I used to think that. But then, a parent can only do so much and you take that against the individuality of the child, there comes a point when what happens to the child is also largely dependent upon his own decisions and actions. Parang, we parents (mothers, especially) put so much pressure upon ourselves to raise perfect children and we blame ourselves when we go awry. I don’t know anymore if that’s a fair or realistic position to take. I mean, I still blame myself sometimes when my kids play truant (especially in school) but they have their own minds already, so…
marriage is more difficult…. it is. it is. it is… HELP! hehehe