The girl worth marrying
In an earlier entry about “pikot”, Jon commented:
My wife sometimes asked me if I would’ve married her had she been a fling or a one-night stand. My answer was “of course not!”
Marriage is reserved for people worth marrying. Anything less is a broken family in the making.
I asked him to define what he meant by “people worth marrying” and he said, “People who are capable of sustaining relationships + have some sense of responsibility. I know the ‘wife/husband material’ is a lousy stereotype, but somehow such people do exist.”
I’ve asked the same question to a lot of male friends in the past (mostly, over bottles of beer in college — I so enjoyed drunken debates with boys) and the most common answer was “a decent girl” by which they meant NOT fast girls or girls with a “reputation”. One of them had a girlfriend of six years and it was a cut-and-dried path for them — wedding bells after law school (for him) and med school (for her). She was a pretty girl, intelligent, soft-spoken and, you know, Nice with a capital N. When she went abroad to grad school, he met the love of his life. But he wouldn’t marry the girl (I never got a chance to meet her) because she was no longer a virgin when they met. He married the doctor a few years after graduation. It led me to conclude that, contrary to popular belief, quite a lot of U.P. guys were not always progressive thinkers. They might raise their fists to protest against social issues but when it came to choosing a wife, they were feudal as feudal could be.
Not all of my male friends thought alike though. There was one who, when asked if the girl’s virginity mattered to him, said, “It depends.” If she loved the previous boyfriend, he saw nothing wrong with her not being a virgin. But if she had been casually hopping from one bed to another, then she wouldn’t be acceptable.
That was early to mid 1980s when things reeked badly of double standards. I don’t know how today’s young men feel about those things. But I’m still intrigued about the concept of a “decent girl.”
Who is a “decent girl” worth marrying? Is the bar girl and the starlet who take their clothes off for a living but who support their education and their families with their earnings decent girls worth marrying? What about the daughter of a convicted criminal? What about a girl whose siblings are the result of her mother’s liaisons with four different men? What about an illegitimate daughter whose parents are engaged in an openly adulterous relationship? What determines decency — her family background, her education, her profession, the circumstances of her birth…?? What?
It is easy to say that it is character that determines what a person is. But the truth is, we are all bound by the biases that we have been raised with. What man can say, in all honesty, that circumstances surrounding a girl — her family, her background, her past — do not influence his perception of her as to whether she falls under the “decent” classification or not?
And it’s a question that affects parents too, especially mothers with sons. Can a mother really stand aside and keep silent and not comment about her son’s choice for a girlfriend or a wife especially when she sees her differently than he does? I tell you — I have had my share of mother problems with boys I have known. A mother did not like me for her son because my parents were separated. Like that was my fault. Another mother did not like me because I am from U.P. and that automatically made me a commie. As if. Crazy, really, but people’s minds work in crazy ways, especially parents when they feel their children are about to commit the gravest mistake of their lives.
It would be equally interesting to get into the concept of a “decent boy” worth marrying. The same questions apply. Well, except for the virginity part, I suppose, because like it or not, we live in a society that says it’s okay for a boy to be experienced in “those things” before marriage. In fact, they are expected to be experienced. If they weren’t, there would be doubt as to whether they are real men or not.
It gets crazier, eh? Sometimes, it’s smarter to just feel amused about these things than try to make any sense out of it.
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[...] having as a wife? Gatsby and Tom think so, but I greatly disagree. Consider what Jon Limjap said to Connie Veneracion: My wife sometimes asked me if I would’ve married her had she been a fling or a one-night stand. [...]
We feast everyday!
one time I heard two young women talking about kind of men they want to marry one answered good peso-nality at first I did not get it but then she repeated again good “peso” nality ahah…
Ah, I knew you would make a big deal about this. Don’t worry, it’s fine by me
A person (let’s disambiguate gender) “worth marrying” can’t be easily defined because it’s subjective: everyone has different standards for that. My standards aren’t the same as your friend (I personally find people who prefer virgins-for-the-sake-of-virginity backward as well). And personally I care more about the person per se than her family background, which reeks of the kind of snobbery the filthy rich of old exhibited, treating people like canine breeds and consider eugenics and things like pedigree.
I’ll have to agree with the amusement part, though. I guess I’ll have to face this issue when my daughter gets herself a boyfriend. Thank God she’s only 3 years old right now :p
edgar,
Sabi nila, girls like guys with caracter aside from guys with a good pesonality, as you mentioned.
How so familiar. This was the topic of a dinner-table talk with family over the weekend.
Long ago, I was labeled “liberated” by my boyfriend’s family because I went to UP. The bf’s sister also frowned on the fact that I read Cosmopolitan, because, she says, it was “malaswa.”
Now that I have a kid myself, I wonder whether I will be as hard on the girl my my son will marry. I tell myself that, having had potential in-laws who didn’t want me at the same dinner table with them, I should know better, right? As parents, we want the best (partners) for our children, but then again, I don’t think anyone will ever meet our expectations, no?
If everything in the second to the last paragraph will be followed, I think it will be a lot harder for men to get married because there will be too less virgins and even the man who plucked the flower before marriage could not marry the de-flowered girl because technically, she’s not a virgin before marriage.
Only a “decent boy” can understand the “decent girl” material. As far as my standards, a “decent girl” doesn’t need to be a virgin. I hope I’m a “decent boy” though
I remember a college friend ‘girlscouting’, and eventually having his flavors of the month when we started working. I asked him what was he looking for. He replied, “someone who has respect for herself, a woman who can be the mother of my children and whom I would be proud to present to everyone”. Reading between the lines, it’s like someone who is a wife and mother material in one package. Because not all wives are motherly and vice versa.
Last year we met again and surprisingly, he’s passed the stage of having flavors of the month (after 8 years, hopefully). I find the woman with too many flaws. But if that’s his match, we’d be happy for him. Makes me realize that there’s no definite terms and conditions of being decent and not. =)
As for the guys worth marrying, I’d like to share this one: http://witsandnuts.com/2008/07/07/whom-not-to-marry/
As an aside, that NY Times article was indicatively plagiarized in Philippine Star: http://witsandnuts.com/2008/08/04/was-that-indicative-plagiarism/
“Who is a ‘decent girl’ worth marrying?…” -Ms. Connie
That’s an interesting question.
There’s a tribe in Uganda, if I’m not mistaken, wherein their perception of a “decent girl” to marry is someone who’s fat.
The poor girl’s family isolates her in a hut and gives her a diet (force feed is more like it) of nothing but cow’s milk until she looks “attractively fat.”
Schooled and trained to be analytical, I pictured myself marrying a combination of Brigitte Bardot and Claudia Cardinale (brain, beauty and character, or BBC for short). Was I using my coco head when I did not choose the other girl, a doctor? Instead, I have to fly to Masbate and take an hour boat ride to ask my wife’s parents for her hands when she wanted out. So, was she worth marrying? I think our kids can answer that question better than me.
Well, ultimately to each his own. But I noticed that to a lot of people especially to a lot of Filipinos it’s between the “sinner” or the “saint”. I think it’s hilarious that virginity is still an issue especially if it’s used to argue to prove someone’s decency or marriageability. Please, a girl can have fun, and a girl can have sex for fun, and marry the man she wants.
I don’t believe there is a “right” answer when asked that. Everybody’s got a different sense of chemistry. What I can say is, experience definitely helps, and somehow, NOT marrying the girl you fell for in high school might help in keeping a marriage intact. It takes time and experience to know and understand the social and personal cues that will give you a good insight on whether the person is “worth” marrying, and allow you to see past the physical.
depending on the time of the day, the alignment of the stars and prices of eggs in China, there’s the woman you love and the woman you married….
Is virginity actually even in the picture anymore!! I hate that mentality. If a man wants to marry a virgin, then he should be a virgin also – plain and simple.
A woman worth marrying is one who treats me well and is going to invest and commit to the marriage — for better or worse as the vows go. All other considerations are moot.
Miguk, re “If a man wants to marry a virgin, then he should be a virgin also – plain and simple.”
Oh, I love that mentality!
That was early to mid 1980s when things reeked badly of double standards. I don’t know how today’s young men feel about those things. But I’m still intrigued about the concept of a “decent girl.”
yup, it’s still the same. i’ve had a lot of male friends who play with girls (the more questionable the reputation, the better) then would require a wife who is “decent”. i mean, come on! they may have deflowered all the “decent” girls out there! bahala sila sa buhay nila. unfair ng mga panget na yan.
buti na lang husband ko is not narrow-minded. we first met in a bar around the university campus with me holding a cigarette between my fingers and another hand was carrying a bottle of san mig light while playing billiards with my cousin and sister. not a pretty sight for a guy who is looking for the martha stewart type. hehe. if he didn’t see past that picture and dismissed me (the way i dismissed him — hakhakhak!) as not ‘marriage-able’, he wouldn’t be able to discover that i am intelligent, funny, good with keeping, growing and earning money (not spending money hehe), practical, and i can cook! he would never have discovered that i am the perfect wife for him. hahaha.
the only thing here lang is i did not let my future in-laws (then) know that i smoked and drink para walang masabi. yun nga lang hanggang ngayon tago pa rin yun sa kanila. time to reach for that nicotine patch.
Luthien, re “we first met in a bar around the university campus with me holding a cigarette between my fingers and another hand was carrying a bottle of san mig light”
HAHAHAHA pareho tayo. Although I had a pale pilsen.
i had this notion kasi na mas madali akong malalasing sa pale pilsen. hehehe. mahaba pa kasi ang gabi…jos ko pareho rin naman pala ng alcohol content.
see? we turned out to be the perfect wives. hahahahaha!
Touche! LOL
Ms. Sassy, my mother won’t like you either. She comes from a family that follows “spanish” tradition where a wife is subservient to the husband and daughters follow the wishes of the parents without question. Hell, my father courted her parents instead of her even. She’ll see you as a domineering person.
As for me, my ideal wife is someone who’ll stick with me thru thick and thin.
hah! you brought back memories of those student activists in the 80’s who while seemingly for equal rights, were after women who were maria clara types. I wanted to throw up.
next anecdote, got involved with the son of a well-known progressive personality. guess what- there was talk from relatives who are also somehow progressive that I will turn out like my mom – a feminist- I dropped the guy soon after that. Life is short.
During late 60’s, in Laguna..I was almost in high school and developing my little bumps already.. Virginity means one’s life. The norms was “Kung saan ka nadapa, doon ka babangon” meaning when a guy did it to you, automatically wedding follows whether the 2 concerned like it or not. otherwise the girl will be cursed by her own family. It was really double standard cause the guy can get away with it easily. Personally, if ever my two sons choose to have their women, I trust them to marry whom they love and who love them in return…regardless of the women, being a virgin or not.
Connie: I guess I am just a permissive American
I could care less if she is a virgin — actually it is more of a negative.
decent girl or boy !? it’s all in the mind….like happiness – its a state of mind.
A male friend said, “I wouldn’t buy goods I haven’t sampled first!” To which I responded, “Go Joey (not his real name), neither would I!”
As a woman, I cannot understand (yet) casual sex for pleasure’s sake — too much risk on the female’s part. But I cannot imagine marrying a man whose sexual (and other habits) I haven’t checked out first. I see nothing wrong with living in prior to marriage either.
Call me sigurista.
Not good marrying a man only to find out later he is into masochist sex. Shit, I can’t imagine. And under what ground will that fall should the woman want annulment later on? It can’t fall under psychological incapacity.
the champions totally agree on this..
could we conduct a survey. i know it would have a huge variance total but just to get the answer to that question; Define “girl worth marrying?”