I wish I knew how to link to this blog I had been reading for the past several minutes. But there are no permalinks to the individual pages and no links to the archives either. I’ll do it the best way I can because I find it very, very significant.
The blog entry quotes a letter from the daughter of “the other woman.” It talks about what it’s like to live in a very judgmental society.
My father had an “other woman”. When he died, she was the one beside him. My mother let her make the arrangements for the cremation although I suspect it was more out of a desire to look martyr-like in the eyes of relatives and friends.
We held no animosity toward each other, she and I. They were together far longer than he and my mother were. But I don’t have half-brothers and half-sisters. In all honesty, I can’t say I would have been as generous if there were, especially if I ever considered them as competition for my father’s affections.
I know, sins of the father shouldn’t visit on the children. It’s not the children’s fault. But family relationships are never simple. Even siblings in the same household often compete for the parents’ attention. What more with half-siblings?
I can sympathize with the letter writer in that blog I was reading. But I’m looking at it from the perspective of the legitimate children too. They are as much victims as the illegitimate children. From a very extreme point of view, I can only say that such complications, emotional trauma and social stigma can all be avoided if there was no marriage in the first place. Then, all children would be equal in the eyes of society and the eyes of the law. They will just all be the children of their respective fathers and mothers.
I had a friend back in college. She seemed to change overnight from a bubbly girl to a melancholy one after her father’s death. She always believed she had a complete and happy family. Then, her father died and she discovered that they were the “other family” although, all her life, she and her father lived in the same house. How do you deal with shit like that? Start hating your father because, all your life, you lived a lie?
Anyway, the blog is called Oceans of My Being; the entry is entitled That sad, happy smile posted on June 8, 2007.
*Edited at 11.59 p.m. to supply permalink to referenced blog.
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sofie 06.11.07 at 10:48 pm
Hi Connie,
This is the link:
http://bago-a-raga.blogspot.com/2007/06/whenever-friend-of-mine-shares-problem.html
I hope it works.
Connie 06.11.07 at 11:57 pm
Thanks, Sofie! I’ll edit the entry.
Kongkong 06.12.07 at 12:48 am
Kudos to your Mom for being strong and for raising well-centered and stable children. Very seldom do I hear of the legit family feeling hardly any or no animosity for the “other woman/other family”. I cannot speak from experience but I’ve seen it happen to some people in my family. Some have been messy and some have been quiet. I believe that it’s really a matter of acceptance of one’s self and one’s situation. I don’t think finger pointing will help any.
Connie 06.12.07 at 1:10 am
Kongkong, it helped that she was a nice person. And she really loved my father. You know, the good with the bad. She told me once, “Your father is not an easy man to live with.” And that’s a direct quote. I believed her. I understood. But she stayed with him ’till the end.
chris 06.12.07 at 2:12 am
It can go both ways Connie. My grandfather’s “other woman” did all she can to make my father’s life miserable, she still does. Being the one beside my grandfather when he passed gave her access to most of the assets. You’re very right when you say that the legitimate children can be as much victims as the illegit ones. It is sad that 2nd families and illegitimate children are so common nowadays, to the point that they had to make a law clarifying the distribution of properties among both. It’s just too bad that with how “flexible” the legal system is nowadays, the best description I can say about it is: “To the selfish go the spoils”
Connie 06.12.07 at 2:29 am
Ayayay… that’s the problem when the man is not careful about separating which property goes to whom. Everyone should be provided for. The mature thing to do really is to write a will, have it probated while the testator is still alive, so that after his death there won’t be any more issues.
The Family Code gave adulterous children a bigger legitime. They were entitled to less under the Civil Code.
Mae 06.12.07 at 7:35 am
we’re half Chinese but we’re forced to use a “Filipino sounding” surname because we’re the “other family” I guess one of the things that made it easier to accept is because my grandfathers’ (yes on both side) first families were on China. And I hate my should-have-been name as well (that’s the shallow reason hehe — mother’s surname should have been Gow and my father’s Lu, see?)
Connie 06.12.07 at 10:36 am
Mae, so, in the Philippines, it’s as if you’re the only family… Less complicated nga. I guess the hardest would be if the families have to bump into each other every so often.
Re surname, as in baliktad na Lugaw?
pv 06.12.07 at 12:45 pm
hi connie,
I am an avid reader of your food blog and just recently stumbled into this other one and am enjoying myself immensely… funny that you should tackle the issue of ‘other families’ because just this weekend our family went on a ‘last getaway for the summer’ with my dad’s extended family… meaning my dad’s second wife and the woman’s kids with previous husband. We have been doing this for the past few years…ever since they got legally married and so far the relationship between the two families turn out fine althought it was not so good especially immediately after the wedding in 2000… there were lots of arguments and ‘boycotts’ that occurred on important occasions - things that we kids later regretted doing but thought then that it was the right thing to do (to vent our anger and frustrations!) — I guess now it’s just my mom who still has not accepted the situation… maybe in a few more months I would find the courage to blog about my experience… I’d recommend it to my mom too so she’d be able to let go of her frustrations and maybe finally find peace…
amymd 06.12.07 at 4:52 pm
We are 2 sisters in the family. My dad longed for a baby boy kaya he was so happy when i gave birth to my first son. He stayed with us most of the time when i gave birth but his other woman adopted a baby boy same age as my son. That’s when he left us. Funny thing is his adopted son’s school is adjacent to my kids’ school and i see him everyday to fetch the boy. Situation is really hard. It takes time for acceptance to be able to move on.
Mitchteryosa 06.12.07 at 5:06 pm
Just read her entry. I feel sorry for her, as you have said they are actually the victims. Wala naman sigurong “anak” na gugustuhing maging produkto ng isang “home-wrecker” nga na tinatawag. Ako galit ako sa mga ganyan, but depending on the situation. Meron din kasing “other woman” na actually sila “pala” yung orig.
Like my Uncle’s case. Tulad ng sa father mo at sa other woman nya, mas matagal pa ang pinagsama nila. The so called other woman took care of him, even up to his last breath. Pero as usual, ang huling hantungan sa orig na family. I felt sorry for my uncle’s other woman at that time. Lalo na sa anak nila. Pero wala silang nagawa kasi yun ang pamilya.
Anyway, thanks for sharing the link…
Connie 06.12.07 at 5:20 pm
PV, re “just recently stumbled into this other one”. hehehe iba talaga audience ng food blogs ko from the rest of my blogs. seen the op-ed/politics blog yet?
yang emotional baggage eh mabigat dalhin. in fact, when people keep wondering why the incidence of heart ailments and alta presion keeps going higher and higher, sometimes, we only need to look at our lifestyle and the emotional baggage we carry day in and day out.
Amymd, and lupet naman nung babae na yun. Obviously, she was trying to compete. Although, in a way, it is almost understandable. Most “other woman” suffer from an insecurity because they don’t wear a wedding ring. parang, kasi whatever they do, hindi sila legal. but i think the insecurity is psychological, more than anything else.
Connie 06.12.07 at 9:06 pm
Mitchteryosa, I think that’s one of the risks that a woman takes when she falls for a married man. Despite real affection, despite the emotional investment, in the end, she still loses. The only consolation (which is perhaps what really matters din naman) is the life shared together.
Yoru 06.12.07 at 10:48 pm
I’m quite so affected by this topic since I’m the closest to someone who’s been in the same situation. Although he’s more than okay in dealing with the second family (not just the “other” family), I know that somewhere within him is some sort of grievance for the breakup of his family.
Related to the entry, my sympathies still goes with the wife who has endured sharing a husband with another family. I’d sometimes like to think that my friend’s mom is the strongest woman I’ve met for keeping a friendly relationship with her ex-husband’s family. (I can’t think of it ever happening to myself. Nor will I ever dream of having a husband who already has a family.)
KK 06.12.07 at 11:22 pm
For the adult children who are in this situation- illegit side, maybe they just have to go somewhere to start anew where nobody can judge them because there is nothing they can do to change their parentage. It’s silly to live your life feeling sorry for yourself.
That’s why we have to teach our daughters: self-respect. So that they don’t get in trouble in these kind of situations.
When I was young and naive, bright eyed and bushy tailed, I found out that the person I was seeing was married with two kids, before I got into deeper shit, it took every ounce of self-respect to say “hindi ako pinalaki ng magulang ko para maging kerida.”
Connie 06.13.07 at 1:21 am
Yoru, you mean, there is another one beside the other family? As in, including the legit, 3 families in all? Ang lupit ah.
KK re daughters. Aye, how true. Love is good but it isn’t everything. Before one can love another, love thyself first. And that is self-respect.
pv 06.15.07 at 4:50 pm
connie…
are you referring to the columns that you have in manila standard? I actually read the columns everyday… it’s part of my job and even if your topics are not really part of our monitoring I make sure I take the time to read your column. In fact, if I remember correctly, that was partly the reason I started reading your food blog (you mentioned it in an article sometime last year???)… But I haven’t visited the on-line version of your political blog …I would appreciate if you post the link… thanks…
Connie 06.15.07 at 5:13 pm
PV, there is a link above and below. The URL is sassylawyer.com. Actually, THIS domain used to be the politics/law/government blog. I just split the blog to streamline the content.
Vanessa 07.11.07 at 2:59 pm
hi connie,
i’ve stumbled upon ur site & i’m enjoying ur writing very much..fun & easy read! i was wondering if you could help me, a bit off topic but u see, my son is now 1y/o & when i gave birth to him,his dad & I were not yet married, now that we are married, where do i start to have my son’s birth certificate changed to legitimated? i hope you can me!
thanks & more power to your blog