The thing about having a daughter is the tendency to get over-protective — the father, more than the mother. Cocky males who act as though they’re God’s gift to women say it’s because they don’t want sins of the father visiting on their children — you know, based on the illusion that they broke the hearts of all those girls who pined after them in their youth. For others, especially those who indulge in casual extramarital affairs or who keep mistresses, the fear may be real, albeit in a collective social guilt kind of way — they know how exploitative and manipulative men can be and they are afraid that by some karmic twist, their daughters will become some other men’s victims.
It’s a cultural thing. We live in a culture where, no matter how hard feminists scream, females are still largely regarded as frail and needy of protection — from predatory males, from physical strain, from emotional pain and from just about anything. If you haven’t given it a second thought, ask why boys are taught to do the gentlemanly thing by offering their bus or train seats to females. It might appear to be a simple gesture of courtesy but there is that underlying presumption that women tire more easily than men and standing in a crowded train or bus is likely to take a toll on their physical well-being. If you think this kind of chivalry has died with feminism and calls for equality, then ask yourself why a sobbing girl still merits a comforting shoulder and a hankie, gestures that are never offered to males. It is still there and very much ingrained in our subconsciousness.
The truth is, this desire to protect females, even when borne out of genuine concern, is a cage. It limits opportunities for personal growth, professional success and self-fulfillment. It prevents women from discovering their worth and their strengths, maximizing their potential and becoming a real voice in society.
If we look at overseas workers statistics, women leaving for work abroad is a relatively recent phenomenon. Men have been doing it for ages. Before there were contract workers, men left their barrios or hometowns for the city or went abroad to “seek greener pastures.” Women didn’t do that a generation ago. They stayed home and lived with their parents until they got married. More significantly, until around thirty years ago, married women and mothers did not work abroad and leave their husbands and children behind. It took the threat of starvation for Filipinos to reconsider many of their outmoded notions about women and womanhood.
Despite the evolution of the concept of womanhood, many parents with daughters still worry. My husband and I are no exceptions. In a few short years, the girls will be off to college and since we live in the suburb, we’ve discussed so many times, and from various angles, how the college arrangement will be. Will the girls commute? Will both or one of us drive them to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon? Will they live in a dorm? Will we give them a car and let them drive?
I know that it sounds so inane, and I honestly think that all those discussions would have been less lengthy if we had boys rather than girls, but a parent cannot read, watch and listen to the news day in and day out about unwanted pregnancies, girls leaving their newborn babies in cardboard boxes and garbage cans, young girls disappearing, getting raped or ending up lifeless in some dark alley and not feel affected. And it’s not as though the peace and order situation, locally and on a global scale, is getting any better. If, a few generations ago, children were forbidden to play outside after dark for fear of becoming some aswang’s meal, today, it’s the danger of catching the attention of crazed drug addicts and sex perverts.
Still and all, I don’t want my daughters cloistered. The key, for me, is empowerment. As blasé as it may sound, I honestly believe that preparation is better than control. Meaning? Meaning, teach them the fundamental values, give them reasonable freedom to explore while young, so that by the time they have flown the coop, they have a good idea what the difference is between a thrilling adventure and foolhardy risks.
It’s one of those clichés that actually mean something — roots to grow and wings to fly. Provide a stable and nourishing home, allow them room to make mistakes and learn from them, allow them to make choices and believe in themselves. And I’m not talking about niceties. I’m not talking about being “good” and “kind” or anything that approximates the raising of wimps. If you’ve seen John Woo’s “Face Off”, there was a scene where the teenage daughter was being molested in the car by her date. The impostor-father scared the boy away then taught the daughter how to take care of herself. He did not tell her not to go out on dates. He did not say anything that would make her suspicious of every boy. He did not even tell her not to see the same boy again. Instead, he handed her a pocket knife and told her that the next time a boy tried to molest her, to plunge the knife in and twist — hard.
Of course, that’s rather extreme. I wouldn’t personally teach violence but you get the picture. You don’t teach your daughters to be scared of life, you teach them how to take care of themselves so that life does not overwhelm them. With such a foundation, by the time they are ready to explore the world on their own, we need not worry whether they’re going to commute to and from school, live far away in some dorm or even if they choose to “seek greener pastures” in places we’ve never heard of. We will feel confident that they can take care of themselves. We will feel no guilt nor anxieties about letting them go.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
bote 01.29.08 at 12:51 pm
I’m trying very hard na maging cool sa panganay ko, pero mahirap ata ang hindi maging protective sa anak na babae. Lalo pa na lalaki ang isa. Mahirap na ibawal ang isang bagay sa babae tapos pwede sa lalaki. Obvious yung bias. :):)
rolly 01.29.08 at 1:06 pm
My idea of parenting is almost the same as yours. My philosophy is that parents should teach children how to survive life, even if it’s, or especially that, it’s a jungle out there. We can never be with our children all the time. They should be prepared, know how to react and combat a life full of struggles.
Connie Veneracion 01.29.08 at 1:46 pm
And learn how to repel attacks of vultures and cannibals.
Yeah, a jungle indeed. Human civilization is just another variety of animal jungle.
cocoy 01.29.08 at 3:49 pm
hi connie,
i have 2 girls and i feel the same way. we cannot always be there to protect them and shield them from harm. the world is full of all kinds of people - good and bad. when my daughter was getting ready for college nearly 2 years ago, i had to convince myself that i was able to prepare her to stay in a dorm. she is now 2nd year college in st. scho manila. i am very proud of how she is able to adjust and take care of herself. plus, stick to a budget!
of course, i still worry but i want to believe that living away from home will teach her many lessons in life.
i also let them watch and read about how young girls are victimized by people they trust. we all heard about date rape, drugs in drinks, etc. sometimes, they will not realize it unless they see it themselves.
great article! regards
giselle 01.29.08 at 10:18 pm
Great article! My kids are younger than yours but the same concerns are there. I fervently wish that when it’s time for them to go out and face the world, we would have prepared them enough. It’s scary, really, but like you said, preparation better than control. Hope to see more articles like this.
Dwana 01.30.08 at 4:19 am
Ms. Connie, Great post. My sister and I are having a hard time letting my 17 year old neice go, but I love how you verbalize the process. We can’t cage her, we must give her wings to fly! She’s almost there, I think ~ I personally could not be prouder…but I forwarded this post to my sister who worries and worries and worries hoping it will give her the strength she needs to watch my neice soar ;0)
d0d0ng 01.30.08 at 4:51 am
Anything outside the house, it is a scary world out there. Even at my age, there are places that I would not venture by myself. Though we don’t want to live in fear. We always remind kids that if they are uncomfortable, it makes more sense to err on the side of safety.
micketymoc 01.30.08 at 7:26 am
Connie, my family lives in Davao and they sent me to college in Manila. Speaking from experience, sending them away to experience college on their own in a strange city might be the best thing you could do for them. (College in UP, dorm there?)
Mila 01.30.08 at 3:47 pm
On the other hand, we have so many mama’s boys. I see so many mothers overprotect their sons (my own mother included, her excuse was that my brother was asthmatic); these kids aren’t socialized properly and are unable to deal with independent living. I’ve met more independent females who were overlooked, so to speak, by their parents as they were growing up, probably because the daughters were strong minded.
Definitely giving your kids the trust to live their own lives is worth the effort. Scary, but empowering.
Connie Veneracion 01.30.08 at 4:31 pm
OMG, the stories I can tell about mama’s boys! Boys who feel that a job — or a girl — is not good enough unless their mothers approve. Men who feel that their wives’ cooking isn’t good enough because it is nothing like mama’s cooking. LOL
julie 01.31.08 at 5:12 pm
I know the feeling, I am an only daughter and now I have two. I don’t really really remember what my parents told me before when I was younger but I made myself study and not have a boyfriend till I finished college. What I remember when a boy came a knocking on the gate and my papa opened the window to lookout, the boy said “Dadalaw po ako kay Julie.” To which my father replied, “Bakit? Walang sakit ang anak ko.”
Wasn’t bothered a bit since I didn’t like the boy too, hehe.
The times now are different, parent-children relationships are more open and it is a great way to send messages across, without seemingly limiting the options. Though of course,this may be easy to say now since my two daughters are still a bit young. But you know, Connie, those news about these young girls, so frightening, so real and so frequently happening that these give us excuse to be more vigilant too. What contrasting views.
mixednuts 01.31.08 at 5:17 pm
For the reasons you mentioned above that I (more for hubby) thankful that we have boys. However, I do agree that values taught early and the solid foundation will help the girls go through life’s challenges, be it broken heart, temptations or a lousy job. I am for women empowerment. It’s about time!
raqgold 02.01.08 at 5:40 pm
the kindergarten is 10 mins walk, the grade school is 5 mins walk, the high school is just around the corner — we shouldnt worry, right? YES. there’s been a series of incidents wherein kids find strangers inside the girl’s toilets in the schools; and the playgrounds, in gyms, etc. perverts are just all over. should i let my daughter walk alone to and from school? i think not yet… after all, it is just a short walk away. yun na nga yon, just a short walk away pero you dont know what could happen within that short walk…. better safe than sorry. but of course, a little independence could be afforded to them, in time.
Connie Veneracion 02.01.08 at 5:55 pm
yep, in time. And I don’t think it is even an age thing considering that maturity comes at different points for every person. The parents will just have to assess when they feel their kids are ready. Like, gradually allowing more freedom (coupled with teaching awareness) until they can take full responsibility.