A few years ago, I posted an entry about how my husband got upset when he heard me discussing sex and rape with our daughter Sam, then 12, while watching an episode of C.S.I.
Last year, when we watched Memoirs of a Geisha and he heard me discussing the virginity-for-sale part with Sam, he said nothing although, when Sam left the room, he told me how uncomfortable it made him feel. He made no big deal when I told him months later that Sam decided to read the book except to say that he was impressed at Sam’s initiative.
He’s not alone in his discomfort. Last year, I had lunch with two of my editors, both male, and they exhibited pretty much the same attitude — they cringed at the thought of discussing sex with their daughters.
Last night, as I was surfing, the bedroom door was open and I could hear parts of the conversation between Speedy and our younger daughter, Alex, who will turn 13 tomorrow. I could hear “69″ and “position”. Before I could give eavesdropping my full attention, the conversation was over with Alex laughing and saying, “Yuck!”
I asked Speedy what that was all about and he said Alex had been hearing the term “69″ in school when classmates exchanged jokes. I told him I was very proud of him for answering Alex’s questions. He started hitting his chest, right where the heart is, and he said, “Ang sakit! Ang sakit!” LOL
First of all, I am amused that Alex decided to ask her father. Second, but more significantly, I am so pleased that Speedy did not send her to me to do the explaining. I think it has finally dawned on him that it is much better to discuss these things openly with the kids rather than have a situation where the girls would consciously refrain from mentioning in our presence any subject connected with sex.
Everyone grows up. Even fathers. 
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
noemi 01.25.07 at 6:41 pm
that’s the exact same age when Lauren asked me what “oral sex” was about. She had asked her Civics teacher about it because it was the height of the Clinton sex-scandal. The “oral sex” word was predominantly repeated in the news. She was miffed when her teacher balked at the question. So I asked Lauren “what do you think oral sex is?”. She said ” is it when you talk dirty over the phone?” haha, I laughed. She thought that was the context as Clinton often talked sex over the phone. Anyway, I believe parents play a role in teaching some aspects of sex that the school might have missed out. My husband doesn’t really talk about it directly to the girls but he tolerates my open discussion. Great for your husband to take that big step. So much to learn from each other.
auee 01.25.07 at 7:23 pm
I have a different experience with Tatay. When I was in Grade 4, we have a classmate whose pet term when tickled or shocked is ‘iy*t’ which makes all the boys in the class laugh prompting them to target him more.
I asked one boy ano ba nakakatawa sa iy*t, tanungin ko daw Tatay ko.
Sabi ng Tatay ko as in verbatim “naaalala mo yung mga alaga nating bulugan dati? Pagpinapabulog na natin yung mga inahin para mag-anak na sila, yun ang iy*t”
Explained in those terms i still don’t see the significance. The following daw I told the same boy: “alam ko na kung ano yung iy*t, bulog lang pala…” Big deal hehehe
Imagine the laughter from the boys!!! Years later I realised how amusing it must be to my worldly classmates. Nung una I resented my tatay, he did explain what it was but not in the context my class was using it deliberately misleading me.
Connie 01.25.07 at 11:13 pm
Noemi, you know, i really think that teachers like that are a liability. i had a teacher in HS in Anthropology. When the discussion veered to sex, she walked out. IN TEARS. Maryosep.
Auee, if it were explained to me like that, I wouldn’t have understood either.
But, in a sense, being able to observe animals helps. We have cats and when the mommy cat started having litters, the concept of sex and reproduction became a “natural” thing for the kids. Maganda kasi they could grasp the subject without malice.
pinayhekmi 01.26.07 at 12:19 am
That’s why I am really impressed with Canada. You know my parents NEVER talked to me about sex and I never asked them. And I never got stupid information from my peers either because we had sex ed starting at grade 5! This is in Canada ok, not in the U.S. who I give two big thumbs down for being such a head in the sand.
I’ll never forget sitting in my 7th grade class and literally had my eyes glued to the board as our sex ed teacher came in and explained how to masturbate! First she explained the guys, and of course I was like, I know this already. And then when she moved to the females I couldn’t believe it. I never knew it was possible for girls to masturbate. And there was no tittering or immaturity. Everyone knew this was a serious matter.
OH Canada!
auee 01.26.07 at 12:44 am
oo nga without malice kaya lang sobrang dense ko di ko na-gets na it also applies to humans
Connie 01.26.07 at 6:03 am
LOL auee yun wala na ko maco-comment hehehe
pinayhekmi, oh the wisdom that maturity can bring! i’m trying to imagine masturbation being discussed in a catholic school here in the philippines and i can’t decide whether it’s a funny or a miserable thought.
poppycock 01.26.07 at 9:04 am
yup. a good example is my husband who keeps on reminding me to refrain from making my ‘love calls’ and ‘endearments’ (he he he) within the sight and hearing of our daughters because it’s dyahe. ows, dyahe daw …
and then, i don’t know how my daughters came into the conclusion that i, their mother, has a ‘penile fixation’ (their words) and laughs about it.
but suffice it to say that one of my daughters read in this book, ‘Captivating’, that daughters ultimately become like their mothers, and she seems to offer no violent opposition to the thought 
rhodora 01.26.07 at 9:34 am
I don’t think my husband can handle it that way. My kids are closer and more privy with me than their dad when it comes to things like love, sex, relationships. I think the only time they open up to him is when they need shopping money.. LOL!
I am more open with my daughter than my two sons about these things. I discuss with her. I tell her the consequences of sex. It’s better that way, than leave her alone to discover it herself!
Connie 01.26.07 at 10:09 am
poppycock, I couldn’t stop laughing after reading your comment… dyahe daw? josme, dyahe daw? hehehe you know, oftentimes, i think that when men are forced to discuss sex, they are actually squirming and blushing. of course, excluding the bidahan among male friends which usually consists of exaggerations anyway hahaha
rhodora, “It’s better that way, than leave her alone to discover it herself!”
that was what i told my husband before. i said ano gusto mong explanation na sabihin ko about how they were born — that they were delivered by storks?
Nadia 01.26.07 at 7:21 pm
oh wow..i wish mine were as open minded as your hubby. ive got 3 boys and i keep telling him he should start explaining these things to them, much better for them to hear these things from us than their peers. Kaso, he’s so uncomfortable talaga…now i can see the boys are growing up with a bit of malice na…hay naku..this entry is such an eye opener. Now i realize i really have to do it..kahit ako na lang, before its too late.
Kase we are all of that generation where sex was never discussed openly. Im 30, whereas hubby is 42..so he is definitely a lot more conservative. Generation gap perhaps lol
sha 01.26.07 at 7:53 pm
ok good topic here coz the no of teenage pregnancy among filipino youth here in Athens is increasing.
I am not sure about sex education at Greek schools though (time to ask) I went to a “diff” school.
But many Filipino youngsters do come and ask me so there I try to explain. One girl at the age of 18 came to me and asked me about pills, gynocologist, sex etc.
Sabi ko ask yr mama.. eh forbidden topic daw.. sus sus talaga!!!!!
KK 01.27.07 at 8:35 am
I have to blame it on my Catholic schooling for being so uncomfortable about talking about sex with my parents. While in school, they just tell you that sex is for married people only period!!! To masturbate is a sin. My religion teachers were nuns and spinsters(these were high school social ethics teachers, I found out later that they were lesbians)! So the message they were sending out was: it was bad to talk about it and it’s better to be “innocent” or at least pretend to be one.
It’s a good topic Ms. Connie, parents should be able to talk to their kids about sex even if it hurts too think that their babies have grown up.
Happy Birthday to your Alex.
Beng 01.27.07 at 4:44 pm
magkaedad pala si alex mo nitong si kathleen ko. curious na ang age na ito but luckily, germany is like canada na may sex aducation na sa elementary. yon nga lang nakakatot ang influence ng ibang mga bata dito dahil lumalandi na ng napakaaga.
techguy 01.27.07 at 10:53 pm
aha………pinaiyak mo yong fave teacher ko, naging teacher ko rin yon noong time namen, lam mo naman ang teacher noong sa high school natin masyadong conservative
techguy 01.27.07 at 11:00 pm
tama si PINAYHEKMI dito sa canada ( siguro ang advantage ko puro boys ang anak ) pagdating sa sex education tungkol sa school hagikhikan pa kami and my wife is the contarbida tinuturuan ko raw ng kalokohan yong mga boys ko.
Connie 01.28.07 at 1:48 am
Nadia, must be your hubby’s upbringing.:neutral:
Sha, at 18 they’re still clueless about those things. i think that’s dangerous. ignorance about one’s own body is dangerous.
Thanks for the greeting, KK. Am just unwinding now after the birthday dinner. And I think that was exactly what my husband meant when he said, “Ang sakit” — the girls are growing up fast.
Beng, talaga, same age sila?
Eh dito rin naman yata lumalandi rin kaya lang tago. I dunno… pero I think that the negative connotation of “lumalandi” aside, isn’t it just an expression of one’s sexuality?
techguy re #14. hahahaha hindi ako nagpaiyak, kaklase ko na lalaki. Bakit mo sya fave teacher — kasi maganda?
Beng 01.28.07 at 2:24 am
the term malandi or lumalandi varies. well, gumaya lang ako sa atin. di nga ba’t bukang bibig ng mga nakakatanda sa atin ang word na yan. kahit nga nag apply ka lang ng lipstick malandi na kaagad ang sabi. the right word para sa mga kabataan dito is maagang nakipagsiping (ahem). may gatas pa sa bibig pero very experienced na when it comes to that matter. when they reach 18 naka isang dosena na sila or mahigit pa ng partner.
shy type nga itong anak ko and very childish, so actually wala pa akong dapat alalahanin. but just the same, i am very careful and so i am trying to teach her our culture and values.
kathleen turned 13 nga pala last nov. 26. she’s few months older than your alex. i hope makakasama next time pag-uwi namin diyan so she will be able to your dalaga para naman ito magkaroon ng connection diyan
have a nice weekend.
techguy 01.28.07 at 12:45 pm
si Ms Valera ba yong sinasabe mo o yong isang teacher na dalaga din, pareho silang nagtuturo ng anthro( di ba elective subject natin noon yon?) noon sa CHS, si Ms Valera teacher ko rin sa World History hindi na yata siya nag-asawa.
Connie 01.28.07 at 8:43 pm
Beng, ah maagang nagiging sexually active. alam mo ayaw ko mag pass ng moral judgment pero in terms of danger — unplanned pregnancies, STD, HIV — nakakatakot nga.
Si Alex din baby pa. hehehe sana nga pag-uwi nyo at nagkita tayo, sama mga bata.
Siya na nga techguy and no other. Nag-asawa sya actually. 4th year na yata ako nun.
bayi 01.28.07 at 9:43 pm
If my daughter asks me about oral sex, I would probably tell her the Clinton-Monica joke!
*LOL*
techguy 01.28.07 at 10:13 pm
so bale after 2 yrs na umalis kami sa CHS, ano naging apelyido nya, did she change her surname?, baka kilala ko yong napangasawa nya, i have a hunch, 30 yrs after graduation…..ganoon na pala ako katanda…..hehehhe….yong bang email mo?…..yon pa rin…..
Connie 01.29.07 at 12:07 pm
Bayi, LOL typical! typical!
techguy, yes she changed her surname, pero nalimutan ko na. my email is the same.
mitchteryosa 07.08.07 at 8:21 pm
I remember my conversation with my mom when I was your daughter’s age (curiosity age ata yan ah hehe!). I suddenly asked her “mommy, ano yung “petting”? I had read it somewhere but I don’t remember. And her answer was “madinig ka nga ng daddy mo!” who was actually on vacation at that time. I never got an answer and that made me more curious. Sa loob loob ko para nagtatanong lang bakit ayaw sabihin kung ano yun.. When I found out later what the meaning was, natawa ako hehe!
Connie 07.10.07 at 12:19 am
When did you find out? After you’ve tried it, ano? hahahahaha