Dorm or driving school?
Posted on 11-14-08 · The Mommy Journals Tags: college, positive parenting, schoolWith both girls a few sniffs away from going to college (okay, one for Sam; two for Alex), the issue of transportation has inevitably been discussed for the nth time. Will Daddy bring them to school and pick them up after classes? Will they have to commute? Or will they have their own car(s)?
The truth is, Speedy and I have discussed this issue long before the girls started asking questions.
The truth is, years after the matter first came up in our discussions, we still do not have an answer. We do not want them to be so pampered that Speedy and I will have to play driver and yaya when they go off to college. But, given the reality of commuting — the longer traveling time, the tiring routine of changing buses/jeepneys/train, the danger of getting stranded when it rains hard and traveling by tricycle from town to the subdivision along steep and dark roads — we’re not sure if there’s really a valuable lesson to be learned there, a “lesson” that many parents claim is part of learning how to be independent.
The third choice, giving them a car, a serious thought two or three years ago, does not sound too realistic these days because although the price of gasoline recently dipped, we are very well aware that it is a pacifier and the monopoly on fuel by multinational oil companies means that, faster than one can wink, the prices can go ten times higher than the amount of the reduction and there doesn’t have to be a rise in global oil prices to justify it. The oil companies can raise or lower prices at whim.
Speedy likes to point out that he didn’t have a car when he was in college and he survived commuting. Well, I commuted too for half my college years but, by the time I was in the College of Law and had classes until 9.00 p.m., I didn’t stop whining until my father gave me a car. The point is, the commuting scenario in the 1980s was very much different from what we have today. In the 1980s, I could make it from Caloocan to Diliman (jeepney-jeepney-bus-jeepney) in an hour. Even at 7.00 a.m., already part of the morning rush hour, I could manage to find a seat in the bus.
But that’s not the case today, is it? Even with mass transports like the Metro trains, commuting has become a penitence. I see the jampacked Metro trains with the passengers squished inside like sardines and I just can’t see where the lesson in independence comes in. That was how a fourth option was born — dorm — an option that, when articulated, makes Speedy recoil in horror as though he is being physically tortured. He asked me once, bluntly, if I could bear the separation and I told him, hardening up my insides, that yes I could because what’s best for the girls has to come ahead of how I feel.
Honestly, living away from home just might be their best chance to learn independence. Sure, it’ll hurt like crazy. I’ll miss them terribly and I’ll probably stare numbly at their empty bedrooms and run my fingers over their unused beds day in and day out. But I will still be able to console myself with the thought that a dorm is the safer and more rational choice.
Of course, the real and final decision won’t have to be made until months from now. In Alex’s case, it won’t be for another year and a half. But some things we need a lot of time to think about.
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I’ve had several friends who’ve been robbed while doing the public commuting thing. I’d go with the car and good driving lessons. Oh, and since I am already in trouble for pushing for a dslr for sam, you can NOT approve this comment and I won’t feel bad, hehe.
I’ve had my bag slashed while jostling my way up a bus. I’ve watched a woman’s necklace snatched while seated inside a jeepney (the snatcher was “strolling” outside during a red light)…
And LOL You’re not under moderation. And, Chris, Sam loves that camera to death. hehehe Although, of course, she thinks I ought to buy the EOS 50D and give her my 40D. Speedy says, “Over my dead body.” BWAHAHAHAHA
hi!
that is really a serious concern for us parents living in antipolo with schools requiring an hour or two to commute- one way. i discussed the options with my daughter. we came up with the decision for her to stay in a dormitory.
patricia is now 3rd year college and has been staying at a dorm. good thing st. scholastica;s college has their own. it gives me peace of mind knowing that the school is responsible for the girls. i have direct access to security and the dorm manager. i am informed when she is not in by curfew. they confirm with me if she asks permission to be out aside from the usual schedule.
she asked to transfer to a condo with friends and i said NO. that will be too much freedom. the school’s dorm has rules and i feel she still needs those. condo living is not safe for college girls in the area. remember the murders in the condos near DLSU? honestly, i am not ready to let go of some “control”.
she is more mature and learned how to be independent, manage her money and time.
i miss her BIG TIME but this is one of those times i have to let go.
but our relationship improved and she appreciates the simple things from home – specially home cooked meals.
it is unexplainable when your child tells you how much she misses you.
Back when we were still in the “thinking” stage about buying a new house, we considered whether it might be a better idea to move back to the city in preparation for the girls’ college years. But then the girls didn’t want to live anywhere but here in Antipolo. And, personally, who really wants to go back and live in the jungle? So, we stayed, and we now face this transportation-car-commute-dorm dilemma.
hi ms. connie. i go for the dorm option. i did not become independent of my parents until i was in med school, quite late actually, and the dorm experience taught me so many things like, budgeting my money and my time, not to mention, learning to make do with what i have left. i think the real question is where. the dorm should have rules like mr. cocoy’s daughter’s dorm has. good luck on the second phase of “separation anxiety”. i guess it would be tougher on the parents’ part than it is for the children. : )
Nag-dorm ako pero siempre dahil probinsyana at walang choice. I do find it strange na Metro Manila na magdo-dorm pa din. But I agree with you. It seems like the best option. I’m sure trustworthy naman mga girls mo and they’re mature enough and will be able to handle themselves well.
Wag kang mag-alala, kasama mo naman si Speedy na magre-reminisce while parang honeymoon stage uli kayo.
My mum was like that. Actually she tried to bribe me so I’d stay in the province.
Cheann, true, it should be a reliable establishment. Actually, better if the dorm is run by the school itself.
Auee, aba’y baka masundan pa si Alex ah. LOL
Connie, whatever way you look at it, pareho lang sila lalo na pagdating sa gastos. I’m addressing this issue kasi kahit ano pa ang gawin kuenta, foremost really are the safety and health of the children – so mas menos man yung ibang alternatives, what will suffer will be the kids health and studies. I have a friend who had her daughter commute kasi they want see her home everyday and they can’t afford to give her independence. It should be okay sana kung walang research and library time – but they’re unavoidable, so she’ll end up coming home late, tired, hungry and no time to study due to fatigue. Our daughter stayed in the dorm, and it was the best thing that we did for her. Setting aside of course the amount of money spent, but looking seriously & deeply, some of the benefits now were, incresed self confidence & esteem, deep bonding between parents & siblings, learned how to cook, good marks and most specially appreciation of our efferts to support her on this big thing she’s going through.
money
Haha! Hi Connie, yours and Auee’s comments are funny. Looking back, I had a wonderful time living on UP Diliman campus with friends. I was in Ilang dorm while several friends from high school lived in apartments inside and outside near the uni. Those times, cooking together, staying up until late, late night parties in the sunken garden and along the track oval were really great. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Moving out and living with friends made college years unique and fun.
Hi Ma’am,
“…Sure, it’ll hurt like crazy. I’ll miss them terribly and I’ll probably stare numbly at their empty bedrooms and run my fingers over their unused beds day in and day out…”
These lines made me cry… hehe… I remembered my sisters telling me that my mom did that when I went to college [Baguio]… And it is so true that you will only learn how to become dependent when you experienced living alone. Having to budget your allowance and cook for yourself and all that. I know that your daughters will definitely be able to take care of themselves… Of course you will still worry about them, but with the means of communication that we have now, it will be easier to get in touch with them… : )
My first taste of dorm life was when I was preparing for board exam. I learned a lot from that experience. I also missed a lot of things from home – like home-cooked meals, kulitan with my sisters and a lot more. At first, my meals were always bought from the nearby turo-turo but after a while magsasawa ka rin and you’ll realized that your meager allowance will not last long with that lifestyle. With 3 other dorm mates, we decided to contribute for our food and take turns in cooking and washing the dishes but because classes is from 8 to 5 (with 1 hour lunchbreak) last night’s dinner would be today’s lunch. Not ideal from a mother’s point of view but I cherished every moment of my stay in that dorm. One also learns how to deal with different types of personalities. You’ll also realized how important your family is once you leave the nest.
For all you former dormers: You don’t know how much I value all your FIRST HAND EXPERIENCES with dorm life. Thank you. I’m committing them to heart.
I remember the first time I flagged down a taxi along Katipunan Ave. to go to Mega Mall, and how my roommate was terrified that we were going to get kidnapped or worse. I remember breaking down in tears a few weeks into my freshman year, wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life in picking Ateneo over UPLB (in my hometown). I remember hating the communal bathrooms and getting so mad when people stole my water (we had to stock up on water then). But along with the bad, I remember having perhaps the best time of my life, making lifelong friends, and having lots of unforgettable experiences. And nothing tops the pride of knowing that I survived and flourished after choosing to leave my comfort zone. Now, I think leaving home to go to college was one of the best things I ever did. Dorm life is a big part of that.
In the end, all you can do is trust that you raised good kids who will make good decisions. I’d like to think that my mom did just that.
I stayed in dorm throughout my college years and it was great! Let me enumerate some of my good experiences:
1. I had an instant barkada from my roommates and other roommates. This is where you get to meet more friends from other colleges (not the condo type ha na parating naka-lock ang door and parang ayaw makipag-socialize)
2. I didn’t have to worry about the long commute to Antipolo (even if there’s an LRT already) and the early rise.
3. I can stay in the library for as long as I want since the dorm is just a few steps away. (naks! library nga ba talaga?)
4. Learned how to budget my weekly allowance and to be creative on how to feed myself.
5. There’s a soft bed and a clean toilet available for me near the school. Haaaa, the toilet, importante sakin talaga yon kahit walang car.
About the car, got it during my 2nd year of work. Patience is a virtue.
I was able to experience all your options. During my first year in college, my mom drove me to school and picked up after class since I have never tried commuting before by myself. Not even tried riding a tricycle all alone! Another semester, I was only driven to school, I started commuting with classmates on my way home. I had an experience that I didn’t even know the exact fare, I wasnt able to get my change.
For 3 semesters, I experience commuting to and from school, usually takes me 1-2.5 hours commute from university belt to Caloocan. A single semester, I tried staying in a dorm. It wasn’t that much fun since I couldn’t study as long as I want (there is a lights off), I still had to go home or rent for a pc to use for research (the dorm has no wifi area hence a laptop wasnt that really useful), I still had to line up to use the bathroom and worst, I lost some valuables even I kept it in a secured place! My last semester, which was mostly spent half of the day in an OJT and about 4-5 hours back in school, I used a car.
I can’t really make a conclusion, which was the best one. But I learned from all experiences. Maybe try to ask the kids also what they prefer? My mom asked me, and we discussed for that arrangement before I entered college. She didnt really want me to stay in a dorm, but taking a science course, I am at school almost 10-11 hours a day. So she agreed, but I only stayed for a semester.
I’ll go for the dorm near the campus. That way it also teaches the kids to be independent and responsible. Just make sure the dorms have all the amenities they are used to. And they can go home on weekend nalang para hindi ma “homesick” si Mommy.
I think the girls should read this comment thread.
Some tips in choosing/staying in a dorm:
1. Look for a dorm that is equipped with cafeteria/canteen. Mine is like a boarding house where my monthly payment is inclusive of meals and lodge. It’s better than eating at carinderia all the time. Although I enjoyed tremendously the time we carinderia hop whenever we want to try something new.
2. Choose your roommates. I was alone in my room during my first semester of college since I didn’t know anyone to share it with but along the way I made friends with other dormers and encouraged them to share a room then eventually transfer to a bigger one, mas matipid and mas masaya. The most number of roommates I had was 3.
3. Get a room that has its own toilet and bath, that way you don’t have to que at communal baths.
4. Better if the dorm is equipped with wi-fi but during my time, hindi pa uso wi-fi so we use the computer lab in the library for internet access or the nearest internet shop. I don’t want to call it internet cafe since mostly wala naman kape doon. ah meron pala, 3in1.
5. My dorm was not so strict about turning lights off. In fact there were no rules about turning lights off as long as one is studying. Your roommate, if you have any, should be considerate if you’re lights are still on until late at night as some people work better at night. Just make sure that there’s enough distance between study table and bed so as not to annoy your roommate who can’t sleep with lights on. Well its just better if the dorm is equipped with a study room where all nocturnal animals can converge for study. Problem solved.
6. Laundry. Hire a trusty laundrywoman near your place or bring your clothes to the laundry shop. If you want to save, do your own laundry or bring it to your parent’s house. What did I do? I did all oh except for doing my own laundry. I’d rather carry books than clothes whenever I go home on weekends. LOL.
7. Take turns in cleaning the room especially if your roommates are ooozing with OCness with cleanliness. Volunteer to clean if you can no longer take the mess. it’s a good exercise.
Wow, Ramon, thank you. For someone like me who never experienced living in a dorm… thank you talaga. That’s one reason it’s not easy to decide — I’ve never been a dormer so I couldn’t say, with absolute certainty, that “it’ll be okay.” I wouldn’t even know where to start if we were to decide on the dorm option. Thanks, really.
here in the US, it is the rite of passage, when you graduate and get accepted to a University miles away from your home. I have a co-worker here in SF, her daughters were accepted in 2 different Univ in New York, she sees them every Thanksgiving and when its summer, the girls come back to be with the family. The girls call her everytime they have a break, since we have a 3 hour difference from NY. My only daughter did not go to college but instead enlisted with the US Marines, and she has been travelling all over US and Asia for 5 years now, the thing is now we have cellphones, internet, VOIP that it seems like they’re just there beside us. Don’t worry, with the way you’ve brought up your girls, I am sure they’ll be very responsible
Coming from the province, my wife stayed at the dorm, and I was staying at the boarding house with my townmates during our college days. At an early age of 15 years we were sort of independent, except for the financial support from our parents.
When it was time for our daughters to go to college, we have no choice but let them stay at the dorm inside the school campus. The first few months, they come home most weekends. After they meet new friends, they enjoyed being away from home. And when they need something from home, I end up driving down to Miami at night because we don’t want them getting stranded on the highway, just in case they have car problems. Looking back, my wife and I were glad they made the right decisions.
They were talking about it last night, Speedy and the girls. Everything now depends on which university they get admitted to.
You’re welcome Ms. Connie, anytime. And to the girls, have a great time in college. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it just like your parents did.
Ms. Connie, this comment is a long one…
I would commute to and from school during my first 2 years of college. On my 2nd year I was already asking my dad to allow me to stay in a dorm, I had classes until 7pm with 7am class the next day, but he wouldn’t allow me. I remember running after jeepneys along with other commuters and nakakahiya but one shoe fell from my foot at one time, buti na lang I have friends behind me. lol! When I get home after a 2-hour ride ( Mendiola – Batasan), there would be times I’d be so hungry with no energy to eat or waking up in the morning still wearing the previous day’s uniform with only half of my body on the bed!
He eventually allowed me to stay in a dorm on my 3rd year, and when I did I partied all night! Just kidding!
Yes I did miss my family a lot, but staying in a dorm gave me more energy to study, it’s a good thing that I’m roommates with responsible classmates and best buddies as well.
Kaya lang dati ang curfew is usually 9pm, I asked my cousin the other day 11pm daw sa dorm nila ngayon! tsktsk.
Si husband naman is from up North and he rented an apartment and was on his own since his first year. I’m proud to say that this guy can do any house chore, senorito lang sya when he’s at his mom’s house.
Dorms usually has one year contracts. Maybe for the next year your girls can dorm in with classmates, tip lang girls piliin nyo ha, yung mga masipag mag aral and good influence only
Ramon, I’m hoping for that too. I had more fun in college than high school. It’s where you really grow up.
Christine, re “I’m proud to say that this guy can do any house chore…” Oooh, how I wish that if Sam goes to a dorm, she’ll at least make her own bed. Pucha, at home, war zone yung room nya.
Sam and Alex need to learn how to do their bed and clean their room fast, otherwise they will bring that habit with them to their dorm. I see that happened to our kid’s roomate every time we visit them at their school dorm.
You can try renting a condo near the school and looking for friend’s kids who study there too. Hati-hati sa rent. That way if/when Alex goes to the same school, they can stay together. There are a lot of condos for rent near Ubelt.
Jmonreal, ah with Alex that’s not such a problem.
Jenny, I think she’s a little too young for that.
Major decision-making yan, Connie. Ang hirap talaga mag “let go”. I live in the jungle of QC so di pa problema ang pag-dorm (unless mag-isip mag-aral abroad (kung makakuha ng scholarship) ang mga anak ko) but yes, we have to worry about commuting or car coz college schedule is really so erratic. And my daughter doesn’t want to drive (like me!) and I guess, good thing na rin kasi di rin ako kampante about that. Anyway, may isang taon pa til then; can still get inputs based on what you decide with Sam, if ever.
Hi Connie,
I was smiling when i read the thread, kasi when my only child went to college (UP Diliman), in 2004 gusto nya mag dorm, pero nung malaman nya na most dorms eh communal ang CR nagbago ang isip nya. Very important ang banyo sa kanya, di nya kayang mag banyo pag marumi at marami ka share. At naisip ako nung daughter ko na maloloka ko pag nag dorm sya. Biro mo isa nga lang ang anak mo, wala pa sa bahay. All through out college eh commute sya, (Taytay-Diliman-Taytay) naka survive naman now she’s working as management trainee in Libis. When she was in first year, pag uwi laging umiiyak kasi ang hirap sumakay tapos ang dami pang bastos na pasahero. But i’m sure she learned a lot from college. And i would like to share (medyo spiritual), na we should always pray for our children everyday kasi di natin sila mababantayan 24/7, But our Almighty God can do that for our children. I’m sure your daughters will survive college life whether dorm or commute, bec. they are raised by good parents like you and Speedy. Connie, i like how you and speedy train your daughters, I’m sure they will be successful individuals.
Susan
Nikita, re erratic schedule.
Na-culture shock ako sa class sked in college. In my first year, my TTh classes started at 11 a.m., then a 4-hour break before the 4 to 5.30 class.
Susan, now that you mention the banyo issue… that’s a big, big, biiiiigg consideration. At home, they each have their own bathroom. And they do not like sharing their bathrooms. When we go on trips, we make sure that the accommodations include a private bathroom. So, I don’t know how they’ll take to the idea of a communal bathroom.