Do you know how much money your spouse makes?
Posted on 01-31-09 · The Mommy Journals Tags: marriage, moneyIt’s a question that was raised during a dinner get-together with girl friends from school. When I was asked I said, “Yes, of course,” but I should have qualified that. Of course, I know how much Speedy makes but not to the last centavo. Does he know how much I make? Yes, but not to the last centavo either. We have general figures and that’s enough. But if we were to demand documentation from each other, we would both be able to back up our declarations.
The funny thing is that the issue about letting a spouse know how much one makes exactly seems to be a recurring question that is often followed by unsolicited (yet, well-meaning) advice. It was an issue raised by a cousin (when Sam was still in pre-school) soon after my father died and left my brother and I with some income-generating properties. She said, “Don’t ever tell Speedy how much money you have.” And I smirked. It was an issue I discussed with about a dozen female friends and the consensus seems to be the same. Never let your husband know how much money you make (or have). But don’t expect your husband to declare ALL his income to you either.
It’s a practical approach, I must admit. Some people, husbands and wives alike, have this nasty habit of dipping into conjugal funds and making large purchases without so much as informing the other until after the deed is done. And, Filipino culture being what it is, there are cases when a spouse takes a large amount from the conjugal funds because a brother or a sister or some other relative is in dire financial need and he or she just couldn’t say no.
But probably the most important reason for this sound advice is because YOU NEVER KNOW when one spouse suddenly decides that the marriage is over. You really don’t want your spouse ending the marriage by cleaning out all your bank accounts, right? And if both have proof of how much the other has, you can just imagine how the dissolution of the community (or conjugal) property will go. Claims, denials and counterclaims which can drag on for a long time depending on how much each can prove and disprove.
But as a wife, well, partial and selective disclosure isn’t really that smart because YOU NEVER KNOW how much your spouse is spending behind your back. Worse, you don’t know where the undeclared money goes. I know someone who refused to believe that her husband had a mistress billeted somewhere until she found out just how much money he was making but never told her.
Never mind the TRUST issue. I mean, this isn’t the age when trust means you have to swallow the traditional what is mine is yours business hook, line and sinker. That may sound absolutely romantic but, hell, that is really, really dumb. I used to tell Speedy, “What is yours is mine but what is mine is mine alone” — as a joke, of course, but you get the picture. It means I’m not the kind of wife who believes that marriage means giving up my identity and independence. See, having your own money — clearly designated and delineated — is part of maintaining your identity and independence. And although he’s not a lawyer, over the years, he has learned a lot of my legal mumbo jumbo — including what constitutes my paraphernal (wife’s exclusive) property.
What works better is know how much each other makes but not pooling both incomes together. Keep separate bank accounts. Even if they are joint accounts (you know, for transparency), make sure that it is clear which account contains whose income and agree (put it in writing if that makes you both feel better) that one cannot unilaterally dip into an account that does not contain his income. It means you trust each other enough to make total disclosures but you also respect each other’s rights by acknowledging that he who earned the money (or owns it if it was not earned) is the only person with absolute rights over it.
It’s being adult about money issues. It does away with the you don’t trust me drama while, at the same time, it serves as a constant reminder that each spouse has to respect the other’s right to make certain decisions as an individual. It works for us, I tell you. Speedy and I fight over a variety of things but rarely about money.
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that’s the reason why i have so many bank accounts! my husband and i keep separate accounts (mine is often empty) and we still have different joint accounts for our business and investments. the advantage nga lang is i hold the key to the bigger accounts. bwahahaha.
Smart girl, hehehehe
You know, I think that much of this what-I-have-is-yours business has to do with the traditional religious marriage vows. And the fact that they have been integrated into the law (community property) is really mind blowing.
My CIC has never demanded for my pay envelop since we got married. She has the idea on how much I was earning as an employee plus my sideline. What she was demanding from me was the amount of what I should be providing the family every payday.
Five years ago I was a widow and retired with only $20K retirement per annum. I met a man who was also retired with $54K retirement. Before we got married after knowing eaach other for 3 years, I asked him his net worth and he told me, but he never asked my networth. I volunteered how much my retirement but not my net worth. After being married for 2 years, I finally volunteered my net worth which is 5 times his. He still insist on paying for everything. A wonderful man!
When Speedy and I were about to get married, my mother asked him pointblank how much he made; my father never asked. I don’t ask for payslips either. It’s just so, oh I don’t know what to call it… so demeaning, so cheap, to make one’s spouse provide proof every payday. Same feeling one gets when being frisked or when passing through x-ray machines in airports. Like being a SUSPECT.
hi ms. connie! my husband and i think that money shouldn’t be an issue with husbands and wives. in our household, we have assigned things what one pays, i.e., he pays for the mortgage and i pay for our bills and daily expenses and we share with the tuition fee of our daughter and it works out fine.
btw, yesterday, at 32 years old, i started to learn how to bike! i now understand why my husband is an avid mountain biker. iba pala ang feeling ng wind in your hair, etc. hehe. i also got a scraped knee for my effort. hehe. fyi, when you start learning how to bike, magpants po kayo o kaya magsuot ng knee pads! hehe.
Same arrangement with Cheann and it works or us too. If may matira sa sweldo nya after all his share of the expenses, then he can do what he wish with the money. Save us from sarguments.
Cheann and Dinah, same arrangement with Speedy and me. We don’t have a common fund. And we buy what we want. I buy a Mac or a cam, he has no say. He buys a new car, that’s his call.
I pay Sam’s tuition and school expenses; he pays for Alex’s. Fair’s fair. 
Ms. Connie, my husband and I have a fair idea of what the other brings to the table, but in my head, I have the motto, “what is mine is mine, what is his, is mine too,”hehe. I also have undeclared income, hehe, but I set it aside for our daughters and any family emergencies. I learned that from my Mama, bec. my dad (a lawyer), wouldn’t hesitate to use conjugal funds to help out relatives. My mama must be thinking, “good girl.”
And may I add too that having been married for 5 years, I haven’t asked to see hubby’s payslip.
Lemon, re “use conjugal funds to help out relatives”
It’s so Filipino. So Catholic even. Charity. Close family ties… But there is such thing as abuse. And when there is more than one relative forever hanging around for dole-outs… If my husband were the one giving away the money, I’d take him to court. hehehe
Ms. Connie, I don’t know where we pinoys get that thing about not saying no to relatives. Why do we have to make up all sorts of excuses when we can just say, we have money, but it is intended for our family. I hate with vehemence yung feeling entitled sa pinaghirapan ng iba, just bec. you share bloodlines.
Amen.
My husband entrust me every penny he earns. I give him an allowance money out of every paycheck which he can spend which ever way he wants. We also have an agreement that we will set aside a certain amount for our retirement savings every payday. Whatever is left after all the living expenses have been deducted would be put aside in our emergency fund. We get calls from our relatives from time to time asking for dole outs for various reasons. We usually send them what they need. What hurts us the most is when we learned that the money we sent them was not used for the purpose they told us when they asked for it. Feeling namin, naloko kami. There are also some na sumasama ang loob kapag hindi naibigay ang gusto. I constantly say no to requests for new cellphones. Katuwiran ko kasi they live in a city na payphones or landlines are available around the area. Besides cellphones entails expenses. I wonder when these people realize that the money they were asking is from our blood and sweat. We earn dollar but we also spend in dollar. If we have a better life, it’s because we work hard for it. We go to work even if our whole body is aching and temperature outside is -40 degrees. I think we deserve whatever luxury we have.
This is probably one area where we have no argument. We have common account and each has veto on spending, especially on relatives. It is a kind of deterrence, nobody wants to invoke the veto power. Also, it is easy to decline persistent relative request by just mentioning that we couldn’t agree.
While this works for us, it may not work for most people, especially if there is substantial disparity in income earnings.
There is a way how to find out your spouse earnings without asking for trouble – volunteer to file the income tax return.
I know what the hubby earns down to the last centavo because I manage the payroll haha
We both have separate accounts, one joint account and a business account and everything is linked together so we both know exactly how much the other has. Not that we care much.
But I’ve lived too long on my own to like having my own money to spend and so does he.
Any big purchases we consult each other, even if the other can afford it without dipping into the joint account.
I used to hand over everything I made and was frequently broke as a result. I had no say over how money was spent. I am SO over that after finally putting my foot down. I would never go back. Great subject!
kami rin ni jet, we know of each other’s salary pero ball park lang. he have separate bank accounts a one joint account. we share the expenses – she pays for food and cleaning. i pay for utilities, phone and cable. but we jointly pay for house and car.
ang asawa ng kaibigan kong si carlo ay yung accounting manager na si marie. same company. niloloko namin si carlo nung araw dahil hindi niya nakikita ang paycheck niya. parati kong sinasabi na confidential talaga ang salary ni carlo kasi si marie lang ang nakaka alam kung magkano ito.
Yang practice of the husband turning over their entire paycheck to the wife and getting an “allowance” in return — that is sooo Pinoy and that is really so unfair to the men. And I’ve seen it become the bone of contention in cases where the bored wives learned to gamble (mahjjong mostly).
I can relate to a lot of what has been said here. Often I cannot relate when friends and colleagues joke about handing over their paycheck/atm to their spouse and most of the time I get stared at as if I were from another planet. My hubby and I know what each other’s earnings are but not to the exact amount. We have separate responsibilities (in terms of expenses) but know we can ask the other for assistance when times are tough (i.e sweetie – can you pay for the water bill this month?). In return, I don’t have to feel guilty about buying moisturizer and he doesn’t have to feel guilty about buying new speakers for his computer. I can’t imagine having to ask him for money to buy tampons. I agree that one of the main reasons why many couples hand in their paychecks is because they were brought up thinking that is just what has to be done. More power Connie!
ApplesH, re “I can’t imagine having to ask him for money to buy tampons…”
Haaay exactly. And I can’t imagine either arguing about when buying new clothes is a necessity or a luxury. Or even cookware or bedsheets. Traditionalists think “partnership” means a couple has to consult each other about everything but that’s an insult to the individuality of both partners. And it adds so much strain on the relationship because there’s always that feeling that all decisions are a compromise.
Hubby & I have separate expenses deducted at specific dates of the month. Whatever else is left goes into our common savings account.
We have our own allocated “pocket money” for the month. If I need something like new shoes, I tell him. It was a big deal for me and I felt enraged/deprived of my own income. Bakit di ako pwedeng mag-decide e pera ko naman iyon?
But in all honesty we’re not earning enough. Working-class drama talaga kami. If we have a project in our house, we need the most we can get out of the bank. Pooling our meager leftover is the only way. Wala kaming option na x% goes for the savings, x% goes for a project… our pay cannot stretch that far after all the monthly expenses.
I agree with you in principle though. Mas madali sigurong gawin yan kung wala kaming utang, or kung nasa similar bracket kami nang income.
sa french, pera nila pera LANG nila, wala intriga sa wife gaya ng pinoy style, pero sila bayad lahat ng bills.Kung me maitulong ako, bilang wife, ok, kung hindi, it is not obligatory.
If may kelangan ako ,tulong sa kamag anak, sasabihan ako: where’s your money?????!!!
i didnt tell you to spend ON ANYTHING!!!!
The catch is, the french banks do not allow the wife to get a bank account or a bank loan, without approval of husband, ke working spouse pa ang wife.
Machosism, only in france, grrrr
Hi Connie,
During my last 6 years (of a fifteen year Middle-East “sojourn”)in Riyadh, the wife didn’t know how much I was really earning. Of course, she received her monthly allotment religiously and regularly. I just decided to enforce that “confidentiality” thing when I realized that she had the propensity to underestimate my financial needs in Riyadh and overestimate her financial requirements in Manila.
Thankfully though, the wife spent and invested my hard earned money wisely and prudently which is why I felt comfortable to return in mid-2002 to take on a “Peso” salary and still be able to live comfortably.
Auee, okay lang yun kung hindi unreasonable ang asawa. Meron kasing mga lalaki na… naku, hindi mo maintindihan kung ano yung idea ng necessity at luxury.
francesinfrance, wow talaga? Akala ko progressive mag-isip ang French…
Ronnie, you’re lucky. Not all wives spend the hard-earned salary of their OFW husbands wisely. Naku, the horror stories I know. Wives who suddenly have so much money they can’t spent it fast enough.
Kami rin ng husband ko (married for 1 year and a half), we decided na maghati sa lahat ng gastusin sa bahay and what is mine is mine, yours is yours. Kapag may natira sa salary niya, bahala na sya kung anu gusto niya gawin dun and kapag may extra income sya sa kaniya na rin yun. Im just glad kasi my husband intends to spend his money invesitng on small businesses to make it grow
I know para sa family rin naman namin yun. Likewise, I’m also earning on my own and soon I’ll be learning how to invest my money in small businesses too 
During our 1st months to 1 year of marriage kasi I was the typical Filipina wife whose husband should make “intrega” all his salary. It was not long before I “see the light” and we decided talking about it to make changes in how we handle our finances
Always do what’s right for you. Never mind “how it’s always been done.”