Coffee, dear?
07/24/2008 by Connie Veneracion · Filed under Sassy Lawyer
(Today’s column)
We had our occasional red meat last Sunday. We really wanted steaks and mashed potatoes but S&R ran out of rib eye steaks so my husband bought pork loin instead. Then, he cooked tequila porkloin, a beloved dish from Tucker Shaw’s “Gentlemen, Start Your Ovens: Killer Recipes for Guys”.
Sunday in our house is Dad’s Turn To Cook Day. Last Sunday was the second time my husband cooked tequila porkloin and the second attempt was 10 times better than the first. He browned the meat well before putting it in the oven and the result was just gorgeous. I really love it that he cooks on Sundays. Sometimes, he still tries to cheat by buying packs of marinated bangus and asking the house helpers to fry them. He did that on our first Sunday in the new house. Then, in the evening, he went out and bought Manok ni Sr. Pedro.
But things have settled down since; we have a 90-percent functional kitchen (we’re adding a kitchen cabinet for more storage space) and he’s cooking real meals again. He even made some mashed potatoes (with yogurt) and buttered corn to go with the tequila porkloin.
Most men balk at the thought of cooking. This is Asia, this is the Philippines, where men are pampered by their mothers and hence grow up clueless in the kitchen. They thrive in a culture that expects women to do all the cooking because household chores are a woman’s domain. I hate that mentality, really. As though men were “too good” and “too important” to do household chores. As though it is an insult to them. In an age when both the husband and the wife work to make ends meet, there is something seriously wrong when the husband comes home and does nothing but watch TV and expect his wife to cook dinner and wash the dishes and attend to the kids.
There is something seriously wrong too if dad sits down to breakfast expecting and waiting to be served his coffee while mom is flying all over making breakfast, preparing the kids for school, preparing their packed school meals and getting ready to go to work too.
What’s up with the thinking that it is natural for the wife alone to have two jobs, one outside the house and another as housekeeper cum cook cum nanny? Isn’t it more realistic for them to divide the housework and childcare between them? Isn’t it more reasonable for dad to at least make the morning coffee instead of waiting to be served like some kind of Spanish-era señor?
It’s culture, yes. A lot of people think it has something to do with dad being the breadwinner. But in households where mom earns more than dad, and that’s becoming more common these days, she still doesn’t get the same privileges that tradition says dad is entitled to by right. So, it really doesn’t have anything to do with who brings home more dough. It is a gender issue.
It has a lot to do too with what our children are taught in school. When my kids were in grade school, and that wasn’t too long ago, they had textbooks that defined the roles of the father and the mother at home. There were illustrations of the kids bringing their father his slippers when he came home from work while the mother is cooking dinner. Laying his slippers at his feet, in fact, while the kids removed dad’s shoes and socks and put them away. It was the perfect picture of the man being treated every inch like the master of the house and the wife and children his minions who are expected to pamper him and make his life comfortable.
This is 2008. I do not know if such textbooks are still in use. Shame on the Education Department if they still are.
In my book, men who refuse to do housework by virtue of their gender and nothing else are sissies. Sissies!!! And men who expect to be served at home as though it is a privilege that belongs exclusively to males are assholes. Assholes!!! If there’s one good thing that came out of the exodus of Filipino professionals and skilled workers, it is the fact that living away from their wives and mothers have forced the males to learn how to cook and keep house.
In my book, men who find no shame in cooking–not as a diversion but as part of real life–and doing housework are the most virile and the most secure about their masculinity. Why? Because they define their manliness by what they know they are rather than by what society and culture dictate. The ones who conveniently hide behind norms and illogical traditions are either cowards, dumb, numb or insecure. Or maybe all of that.
Of course, with males as with females, there are those whose talents lie elsewhere– the kitchen disasters–and they are better off away from the kitchen. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the macho thing–the attitude that some things just aren’t manly. Crap, there are only four non-manly things in the world–menstruation, pregnancy, giving birth and breastfeeding. The rest is just screwed culture.
B on Thu, 24th Jul 2008 9:30 pm
As for the gender roles that were taught in schools, I think that is what they put in textbooks because it is easy. They really don’t want to bother tinkering with the syllabus to explain how roles can differ from one family to another. The same way they teach that Columbus discovered America. Bow.
Carol B. on Thu, 24th Jul 2008 9:56 pm
“…Isn’t it more reasonable for dad to at least make the morning coffee instead of waiting to be served like some kind of Spanish-era señor?”
Hahahaha…sounds like my father. Fear ko noon na magkaroon ng husband na kagaya niya. Kaya bago ako nagpakasal inalam ko muna kung marunong sa bahay si hubby. Sinabi ko sa kanya that if he is looking for a wife na ise-serve lahat sa kanya hindi ako ang dapat niyang pakasalan. Since both of us will be working, household chores should be split between the two of us. Would you believe mas magaling siyang maglaba at magplantsa kesa akin? To that I salute my mother-in-law. Galing ng training!
dexie on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 1:47 am
AMEN. My husband is actually a better cook than I am being trained and all. He’s also the one who gets the cleaning done most of the times coz I’m too busy working myself.
How do you deal with Speedy in your kitchen though? It drives me crazy when my husband is in it. It’s MY kitchen..LOL.
pinayhekmi on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 3:44 am
Oh, did your kids’ old school use textbooks from the 50s? Wow.
trina on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 4:27 am
Hi there, pardon me im a constant lurker here, reading this post makes me itch to comment hehe. My bf LOVES to cook and he’s darn good at it which is so fine with me except that he messes up my kitchen everytime he cooks. Poor me have no choice but to do the clean up. huhu
ex-art student on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 6:41 am
Ironically, I grew up with my both my parents cooking every weekend when everyone is at home for Lunch. My Dad makes the best whatever dish with beef while my mom makes the best whatever chicken dish. That makes me and my brother the lucky tasters. Hahaha.
Tom on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 7:02 am
Looking back, if working is to make money, why string it out for 30 years and miserably calling it a life. Palibhasa na indoctrinated during the Industrial Age.
I cooked your mango chicken and feeling like I did my wife a good deed, ask her, if pwedeng jumogjug. She said, “jug jugin mo sarili mo”. LOL
Asianmommy on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 7:46 am
I agree with you–it’s a shame, tradition never dies.
ibyang on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 7:57 am
hi connie,
i learn so much from just reading your entries.
i’ve been a follower of your blog for some time now and i think it’s time i said hello
i can truly relate this entry of yours to what happened to me about two weeks ago.
my grandma read my blog by accident (she was hovering over my cousin who was surfing the net) and at that time i had an entry about applauding my husband for sharing in the household chores (he is officially the one who irons our clothes and we do everything together from doing laundry, cleaning the house and even tidying up in the kitchen)…and instead of praising my husband, she got mad at me for writing all those things for people to read–nakakahiya daw at baka pinagtatawanan kami ng ibang tao.
i could’ve said something back to her but out of respect i didn’t because she is my grandma, i just had to understand that she came from the “olden times”.
i’m just glad i have a husband who is very secure of his manhood and is responsble even inside the home.
happy weekend!
ibyang
Connie Veneracion on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 9:08 am
B, if education is run based on simplicity, obsolescence comes to mind.
Carol B. and Ibyang, congratulations! You’re among the lucky bunch. Or, perhaps, it isn’t luck but rather a matter of good quality woman choosing only good quality men.
Dexie, I don’t go into the kitchen when he’s cooking unless he asks for help. Just like Trina’s case, I can’t stand the sight of the number of plates and utensils he manages to use. And men don’t seem to know the “clean as you go” rule. Everything’s everywhere until the cooking is done. And gulo!
Ex-art student, ‘di ba enjoy? I think that no matter how good one cook is, another’s version is still refreshing.
Tom, your wife gives nice answers. Buti nga sayo BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Pinayhekmi, imagine what the mentality of Education officials are if they think those books are proper. Makes me want to demand to see their qualifications.
Asianmommy, what I don’t understand is why most people prefer to follow tradition blindly. Isn’t that why we crave for education — so that we can learn to discern between what’s stupid and what’s not? Doesn’t the empowerment of women mean anything?
amee on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 9:24 am
hi connie. i don’t know if it’s just me or what but the tequila porkloin link seems to be a dead one. hope you can fix it.
btw, i really love your site with you sharing everything about anything. keep it up.
iskolar111 on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 10:04 am
The macho filipino husband exist in the Philippines but once this macho immigrates to the U.S. he becomes “tigas”, tigasaing. Devoid of household help, husband and wife divide domestic responsibilities to survive.
Miguk on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 11:03 am
Cause you let us get away with it hahaha
Living here has spoiled me to no end. If I try to do any housework the helpers get insulted as if they are not doing there jobs correctly or something. I can’t even wash my car anymore!
JMonreal on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 11:14 am
My late father was a better cook than my late mother. I tried but, my wife and kids said the food was somewhat OK. So, I got stuck to washing the pots and pans all the time. Actually, I do all the dirty work at home - taking care of garbage, washing the cars, cleaning the pool, and all the yard work where it is hot and humid.
I forgot - I do all the barbecue cooking. At least my wife give me some konsuelo de bobo for not letting anybody touch the coffee except me. Freshly grounded coffee dear - espresso, cafe con leche, cafe americano, or decaf?
Connie Veneracion on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 11:56 am
iskolar111 and miguk, so it is indeed a culture thing — and culture in this context is not defined by race or country of birth but the place where one lives and the people he is surrounded with. Ay, Pinoy! Rather, ay Pinoy sa Pinas!
JMonreal, “somewhat OK?” LOL And that’s a euphemism for what? hehehe Love your coffee offerings hehehe
Connie Veneracion on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 12:58 pm
It’s just you, Amee. Readers have gone from here to there and posted comments already.
Miguk on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 1:09 pm
Here I have a choice. My wife doesn’t do any housework/cooking either we have the luxury of having other people do it for us. Elsewhere, there is no choice…if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. However, that didn’t stop me from devious plots like washing whites and colors together so she would say never mind, she will just do it lang hahaha
raqgold on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 1:39 pm
lucky for me my husband loves cooking - and he cleans the house better than me, too. am glad he is not a pasha, do you know this word? dami rin kasi dito na aabutin lang yung pagkain o kaya yung drinks sa dinner table e ipapagawa pa sa wife nila. as in they wont lift a finger to do anything. when i see something like that, ako napapahiya.
raqgold on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 1:41 pm
do you know the word, ‘pasha’? am not sure about the real spelling pero i always hear that term being used to men who wont even lift a finger to help the wives. as in even the food and the drinks on the dining table, would have to be given by the wives. yun tipong ganito - ‘wife, give me my wine’ - ‘wife, give me some more food’ - as in commando tact talaga.
moni on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 3:27 pm
When I was a young wife, I thought my role expectation was one who makes sure that there’s food on the table and the hubby just sits down to eat. I did that for many years, even cooking and freezing meals for my family when I went on long trips. Then I finally had to be away for more than 4 years. When I returned home for good, I discovered that my husband had learned how to cook. Now it’s my turn to take long hours at work and come home to a decent meal.
kreez on Fri, 25th Jul 2008 11:25 pm
Great post ate connie, indeed men should do their share of household chores. In our case, hubby irons the clothes better than i could ever do it and he is an excessive compulsive cleaner so really good for me haha
trina on Sat, 26th Jul 2008 12:59 am
True. I cringe everytime I see the mess and just couldn’t help but sigh. I hate washing the dishes pa nman pero I also could not bear to tell the bf that coz he really makes effort cooking for me. I guess there’s a downside to every situation.
BlogusVox on Sat, 26th Jul 2008 1:59 pm
Wow, thanks for defining men like me in your dictionary as “macho”.
Although we have household helps, my Mom insist that we share in household chore. Its her way of training us to be independent. But the pinoy mentality is still there. She assigned us the heavy tasks while my sister helps in the kitchen and in preparing the dining table.
I learned how to cook from my barkadas by helping in preparing our pulutan.
edgar v. on Sat, 26th Jul 2008 3:02 pm
I learned cooking from my dad and my lolo,But when I married A Korean who happens to be a lousy cook, I ended up learning and cooking Korean food and I become good at it.”ano ba ito I said to my self” my lolo cooks for my lola and my dad cooks for my mom,I cook for my wife and now my son is asking me to teach him how to cook aaah….
Connie Veneracion on Sat, 26th Jul 2008 5:03 pm
You’re welcome, BlogusVox.
Edgar, go and propagate your kind hehehe The world will be better for it!
JMonreal on Sun, 27th Jul 2008 1:10 am
My wife did not teach our two daughters and son how to cook. When they were in college, away from home, they were eating school cafeteria, microwaveable, and junk foods. They learned how to cook when they were on their own. They will call and ask my wife how, if they want to prepare a particular Filipino food.
When it comes to coffee, they never ask their dad any questions at all. I guess they got talents just like their dad. ….hehehe
Tom on Sun, 27th Jul 2008 2:50 am
I was at a Baguio restaurant wherein there was this couple sitting a few tables away from us, ang bongga! The woman, who looked to be native to the area was smartly dressed and the way she was serving her “man” (didn’t go over to their table and asked if they were married and “he” would be the quintessential senor you mentioned), as if she knew exactly just how much of each potahe they ordered he wanted. While she was preparing his meal, our senor was nonchalantly reading the newspaper as if awaiting for his “woman” to announce to him; “Dinner is ready, my dear”. I was so envious at what I was seeing that I wanted to snatch her away and have her for myself. At the same time, I wondered what skills this man has and if he could tame AMAZONS WITH ISSUES.
Lee on Sun, 27th Jul 2008 9:28 am
I AM MALE AND I HAVE MY COFFEE SERVED TO ME!!! but it is not served by my “dear” but by the all around “boy” in my favorite kapihan in the market. Then i buy fish, vegetables and other usual wet market fare which I cook at home for my wife and siblings in law. I can clean up the house but i suck at laundry. well jugjogging is another matter…
Connie Veneracion on Sun, 27th Jul 2008 1:23 pm
Tom, if you were envious, clearly, YOU HAVE ISSUES.
JMonreal, ever considered putting up a family cafe? hehehe
Lee, I am female but I suck at housecleaning and ironing hehehehe Duh, I so, so suck at ironing.
JMonreal on Mon, 28th Jul 2008 2:33 am
About twenty five years ago, I went home and planned to start a fast food restaurant ala Burger King. Then Beningno Aquino was assasinated - that killed it. Now that the kids are grown-up and on their own - the whole economy went down. Well, I just have to wait a few more years until I retire, so that I don’t have to worry about income. I am so passionate with the food service industry, and yes, I will one day have a cafe or restaurant in Antipolo. After all, Col Sanders was in his sixties when he started his Kentucky Fried Chicken.
moni on Mon, 28th Jul 2008 5:16 am
In an earlier comment, what I wanted to say was: necessity is the mother of invention. Husbands and sons learn to cook when they are on their own or when their spouses are not around. My son, who lives away from home, surprised me when he cooked lamb chops with basil and pork chops with rosemary and mint. I asked him where he learned it and he said on TV.
nunosapunso on Fri, 1st Aug 2008 10:48 pm
my mom is a feminist writer so I never received dolls from her. She rarely spent time in the kitchen. My stepdad is also a feminist and he was the one who taught me how to cook not because I am a female but because I will need it in life. He also did the shopping, brought me to school when I was in grade school, etc. Other men would have said he’s under the saya but I can assure you he’s anything but that.
Connie Veneracion on Sat, 2nd Aug 2008 7:09 am
JMonreal, I am so looking forward to that. Now that the Rizal Provincial Capitol is being transferred to Antipolo, the long-time residents are predicting a boom that should have happened a long time ago with the aborted plan to build an airport nearby.
Moni, I have a friend who resisted the obvious need to learn. And it was a she. She just decided to go on a long-term diet LOL
Nunosapunso, re “but because I will need it in life”. I believe that too. Cooking is like swimming, a necessary skill but you don’t realize it’s importance until the crisis is staring at you directly.