One of my three favorite Wordpress theme designers, Small Potato (the other two being Brian Gardner and Chris Pearson), is selling his domain, WPDesigner. The selfish side of me says, too bad.
But that’s not really the reason for this post. He wrote something in his personal blog that hit some very raw nerves inside of me. Small Potato is Asian, born in Vietnam and lived there for the first 11 years of his life. Then, his family moved to the U.S. but his home life continued to be very Asian. He is 21 years old today. Truth is, after reading his personal blog, the other half of me can’t feel bad about his decision to sell his domain and do what he needs to do which basically is to live for himself.
What is it about Small Potato that is worth a blog entry from my end? It is this:
I’m Asian and was raised up in a typical Asian family, which meant ideals like meeting my parents’ expectations and repaying them for raising me were already woven into my life before I was even conceived…
Your parents are responsible for raising you. You are not responsible for them. Although it’s honorable to make sure your parents have a good life, don’t do it out of guilt.
Remember, realizing that you don’t owe your parents isn’t enough. You have to accept it and get over the guilt. That’s the most important point you have to remember. You have to practice snapping yourself out of that guilt or you’ll end up shaping your life the way they see fit. To me, living a fake life or one that you’re not happy with is worse than suicide.
I can only applaud. I snapped out of that mentality a long time ago but it still haunts me. Speedy comes from a family that is very Asian in perspective, complete with all the expectations and repayment kind of thinking. I cannot ask him to be something he’s not and we’ve reached a compromise that we can be happy with. You know, respect each other’s perspective without feeling short-changed.
But that compromise may have profound effects on our daughters that will probably not become apparent until many years in the future. I have always been vocal about it — I don’t expect them to spend their adult lives taking care of us. I don’t want them to. I don’t want them to take on high-paying jobs that they cannot be happy with, thinking they have to because it is their responsibility to take care of us in our old age. I want them to be able to live their lives fully and freely. That’s partly why Speedy and I work so damn hard — to be able to feather our nests comfortably so that Sam and Alex won’t have to worry about us when we’re old.
All of that will sound screwed to many. It will sound disrespectful to some and stupid to others. But I did not decide that I wanted to become a mother because of some deep-rooted need for some kind of insurance in my old age.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Jon Limjap 03.14.08 at 3:06 pm
Doesn’t sound screwed to me Connie.
Sounds perfectly logical because neither do I want to burden CJ when I get old.
Connie Veneracion 03.14.08 at 3:09 pm
You know we’re a minority.
Chris 03.14.08 at 4:05 pm
bravo connie. I’d like to raise my kids the same way. My dad has imparted as much, my mom…hm, not so much. Hehe.
Last check, the domain was going for $15,000 and change….
can you imagine how much yours might be worth? =)
rolly 03.14.08 at 8:01 pm
hear hear!
Mae 03.14.08 at 8:10 pm
You are like my parents, they are telling us that we should all be happy with what we’re doing and not mind them and that as long as we’re happy, then they are too. But I just couldn’t accept that
Not because I want to repay them, not because I feel guilty because they raised me… I don’t know, I couldn’t give any reason aside from I really, really want to. I guess I’m weird no?
rose z 03.14.08 at 9:17 pm
you have the same view as my father (and i do agree with him, for once), connie. he would always tell us when we were still single and studying that we do not have to repay them or support them once we finish college and earning money on our own. but why do we insist now that we help our mom financially, even when she does not need it, when our father needs special care? is it guilt? we do not think so. we just believe that it is the right thing to do.
Carol B. 03.14.08 at 9:54 pm
We are a childless couple. We send some nephews and nieces to school not because we want them to take care of us when we are too old to do it ourselves but because their education made us feel fulfilled. The only repayment we expect from them is their best effort to go through their education. We’ve been supporting our parents not because we want to repay them but because we want to give them a taste of their investment. Despite this gesture, we don’t want anybody to be burdened by our old age. We’re not saying that our parents are burden to us because when you’re happy with what you do, you don’t feel burdened. Ay ang gulo!!!
Ria 03.14.08 at 10:22 pm
Reminds me of my lolo (may he rest in peace). He is just like you, and well my parents too.
When my lolo was still alive and was hospitalized a lot, he paid for all the expenses and said that after all that is one of the reasons why he worked so hard. He even refused to accept his children’s offers to pay for his bill, telling them that they should just save it because time will come that they too might get hospitalized.
pinayhekmi 03.14.08 at 10:29 pm
This is a very emotional topic for me and I can only say I wholeheartedly agree. I’m glad Woody and I are on the same page. We will not expect our Mina and any siblings she might have to live their lives for us. Isn’t that where it starts? You live according to your parents expectations, and pretty soon, you’re worrying and fretting over the approval not just of your parents but of your friends, of society, of even strangers! Too many people just put too much stock on what everybody else thinks and can’t live for themselves and I don’t want my daughter to be one of them.
JS 03.14.08 at 11:30 pm
Bravo!
sha 03.15.08 at 6:30 am
when I was married Filipino friends would say.. bakit wala ka pa anak? sino mag aalaga sa yo pag matanda ka na? I said I prob would have kids bec I wanted too not because I want someone to take care of me….. bravo connie!!
Jon Limjap 03.15.08 at 10:56 am
I think the point really is
a.) repay/help/whatever your parents out of your own volition, not out of guilt or sense of obligation
b.) look for ways so that your children need not help you when you retire. of course if they want to help you, then thanks, but it really just shouldn’t be out of guilt or obligation.
Connie Veneracion 03.15.08 at 3:24 pm
“not out of guilt or sense of obligation”
But how can you tell if, from infancy, it’s been inculcated in your mind that repaying is the right thing? Even when nothing explicit is said. If you see your parents doing it for their parents, for instance. Or when everyone in the clan is doing it. The sense of obligation will be there. And even if it gives an uncomfortable feeling, it isn’t easy to shake it off because one runs the risk of being called an ungrateful child. And what child wants to hear that? The irony, of course, is that gratitude should not even be part of the equation. One does not feel grateful to one’s parents because they did their responsibility. Appreciation, yes. Gratitude, no.
rhodora 03.16.08 at 2:41 pm
Oh, gosh. My husband and I had very same point of discussion the other night. We also have contradicting views about this issue.
Our eldest son is already working and earning quite well. If he wants to, he can give us some “monthly pension” out of his earnings. But I refuse to oblige him. No matter how hard up we are, I never demand that he help out. Well, there are times when he doles out, like last Christmas, he felt very generous and gave me some cash and gifts to his siblings to which I was so appreciative. But other than that, I don’t expect him to be responsible for us. However my husband was lamenting the other night that our son should feel responsible, and that because we sent him to school, gave him the best education we could afford, he should also be responsible to repay us some debt of gratitude. I said, well, giving him education is just one of of our responsibilities as parents.. Jeez… you can imagine how lengthy that discussion turned out to be.
My only “demand” from my kids is: once they finish schooling, they should get a job and be responsible for themselves from then on. And of course - not to screw up. That, to my view, is the only way they can “repay” us.
Jon Limjap 03.16.08 at 9:18 pm
Connie,
Mahirap ngang i-distinguish, pero that’s up to each person to figure out for themselves.
rhodora,
I’ll bet that between the two of you, your husband will grow old lonelier because of all the resentment.
moni 03.17.08 at 10:47 pm
I have an only child so I didn’t escape this Asian view that children serve as insurance for old age. Everyone used to ask me, “Why do you have only one child? Why did you practice family planning? Who will look after you in your old age?” I would just mutter, “I have an only child by design, not by choice.” It truly doesn’t matter if you have 4 children or 1 child because in the end they will leave the nest and you find yourself alone. As you and other readers have commented, the key is to prepare financially for the future so we don’t burden our children.
omski 03.18.08 at 1:37 pm
my wife and I are on the same page regarding this topic, we would not want to oblige our 2 kids to help us financially when we are old…her family side have this “children obligation” attitude , while my family side does not oblige …and she realized this difference .. So we are working hard now to be able to create a means of living that will support us when we retire and not “oblige” the kids to help us out later…we think it is our responsibility to help them prepare for their future , without asking anything in return..
Lee 03.19.08 at 1:22 pm
Hi Connie.
Back when my bro and I were still in school, our parents always told us to study hard for our own sake. You know, to be able to earn good money, buy whatever we want, go wherever we pleased, etc. All for our sake, not theirs. Because they will never depend on us in their old age. They themselves never had to support their own parents. Unfortunately, things turned out differently for them. They were not able to save up for their old age.
I hope you still remember my lengthy email to you in 2004. Back then, I wanted so bad to leave my job to be able work at home and be with my kids, but I couldn’t bec I was supporting my parents. Well, I have resigned the following year, took the unstable route of self-employment, and told my parents we had to make some adjustments. They were very supportive of my decision. Well, it’s been almost 3 years but I still have mixed feelings about this. At times I feel guilt, sometimes resentment, and sometimes I don’t know what to feel anymore. But I know one thing for sure, I have to save up for my old age so that my children do not end up with the same burden, the guilt, the resentment, etc.
Jayred 03.21.08 at 9:24 pm
Well said, Connie. I wish you were my Mom.
My parents are moneyed and all, but somehow, they expect us to be there for them all the time. My Mom keeps slapping to our face how hard she worked for us, etc. etc. Parang we owe her everything. And it’s not a good thing. I love my parents, but sometimes, I don’t agree with all that they say.
Like you, I will not burden my future children — if and when the time comes, that is — with the responsibility to take care of me and my husband in our old age.
I wish you a meaningful Easter celebration.
P.S. Thanks for the Christmas holiday e-greetings.
Angela 03.22.08 at 2:59 pm
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way. I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful daughter, but I do think that the reason why I study (and take part-time job to support my studies and expenses) is not really because I have to help my parents later, but because I have to have a stable life for my future family (or life, in case I don’t marry).
My mom said before that if I give something to them, that’s fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too.
Roy Sencio 03.23.08 at 11:51 am
I’d have to say my parents are pretty cool, they don’t really expect anything in return because that is how they were also brought up by their parents… it’s an unconditional obligation. They may not ask for something in return, but you can’t help but really wanna give back.
jenny 03.25.08 at 12:38 pm
People I know comments that I need to get married so that I can have my kids take care of me when I grow old but I believe the reason we have kids is just to enjoy raising them as good human beings and not as a future investment.
lolay 03.29.08 at 4:43 am
When parents take real good care of their children, expect the children to do the same thing for their parents. This is what happened to a filipino-american family in california wherein the father was put in jail unjustly and in this blog, you will see what the daughter is doing for the love of her father… A Daugther’s Cry (http://bringdaddyhome.blogspot.com/). Just wanted to share this. Thanks.
Gail 03.31.08 at 10:26 pm
That’s the very reason why my parents decided to sell our house and lot in Blue Ridge, so it’ll be easier for us when they grow old. My dad told me he wanted to have enough set aside so Marc and I won’t have to worry about them and also have enough for my sister’s medication (mabigat kasi talaga gastos ng gamot ng sis ko).
Hello neighbor! Dito na kami sa Antipolo, but our house is still being renovated. Wahh ang alikabot because of all the cement!
Connie Veneracion 04.01.08 at 12:15 pm
Wow, so you’ve moved! Welcome to suburbia!
lemon 04.05.08 at 11:43 am
Hi,
This really struck a nerve in me too. J and I often have discussions about this bec. he feels such an obligation to take care of his parents even when strictly speaking, they didn’t take care of his education. I think he got my point when a cousin of his told him that it is the parents’ responsibility to take care of their children, not the other way around.
Connie Veneracion 04.05.08 at 12:59 pm
Exactly. Only parents with mercenary mentality will see it the other way around. But then again, what may be mercenary to some will be honorable to others.