A taste of the empty nest syndrome
Filed under Sassy Lawyer, The Mommy Journals • Tagged: career, parenting
[Republished from yesterday's op-ed column]
Early in February, on the way to a UP College of Law reunion, my friend, fellow law alumnus and fellow Antipolo resident Eric Santos and I drove through Global City. I told him how much I liked the way the community was planned and laid out. I wouldn’t mind living there, I said, as it would be so convenient to be near everything – supermarkets, hospital and shops.
Why, he asked, tired of the suburb? Not really, I said, but imagine how empty the house would be when both my daughters were done with college, immersed in their careers and possibly living elsewhere on their own. Ah, he said, the proverbial empty nest. His own children being just a few years younger than mine, he agreed it was a thought worth entertaining – this idea of moving back to the city when we’re empty nesters.
As things would turn out, my nest turned out half-empty much earlier than I thought. The school year has started for many students. For my younger daughter, Alex, an incoming high school senior, school starts next week. For my older girl, Sam, a college freshman, school started in the third week of May. But this school year is different from all others my family has known. For the first time, there is no school bus to pick up Sam. She stays in a rented condo during weekdays and we don’t get to see her until the weekend.
Because Alex is still on her summer break, we still go through this routine of me knocking on her bedroom door to call her downstairs for lunch. There was one time, a few days after Sam moved to the condo, when it completely slipped my mind that she was in the city three hours away, and I knocked on her door to tell her that lunch was ready. I opened the door, it was spic and span, and no Sam. And the reality of the situation hit me so hard that I was momentarily stupefied.
In another year, it is possible that both my daughters will be living elsewhere during weekdays. What would it be like for me? The empty days won’t be such a problem for my husband who goes out to work everyday. But I who work from home… What will it be like not to prepare packed lunch for anyone, not to anticipate the arrival of the school bus before sundown, not to hear what happened in school while munching on afternoon snacks? And I’m already partially living the scenario with Sam away five days a week. We talk everyday on the phone but it’s not the same.
Will I become one of those depressed women who cast teary-eyed glances at the bedroom doors down the hall? I’m a writer and they say that writers are lone wolves. The loneliness shouldn’t bother me. In fact, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that like any negative-sounding situation, an empty nest can be transformed into a positive experience. For me as well as for my girls because I don’t want to turn into a clingy aging mother who gets her kicks by living vicariously through her children. I’d love to be part of their adventures but they will embark on adventures that will not include me. It’s just the way things are. They will have to live their own lives. It’s not something I should resent but, rather, something I should be happy about because it means they are learning independence and I did not fail as a mother.
I’ve seen aging women wasting away after their children have left home, gotten married and had their own families. And this is especially true with women who did not have active careers. I’ve seen how my grandmother spent years staring out the window, watching the vehicles and the pedestrians on the street much like watching the world go by but not really being part of it. I’ve seen women spend days playing mahjongg with others just as lonely as themselves to deal with the emptiness.
I will not be anything like them. A woman’s life does not end after the years of active motherhood. I will still be me with as much right to live out the rest of my life as productively as I can. And how I live the empty nest stage ought to serve as an example to my daughters as well. If I show them how much productive a mother can be in her children’s college and post-college years, I’ll be guiding them as well to be just as productive when their turn to be empty nesters come.
So, I prepare. If, for the next couple of years, the girls are only home during weekends, then, I can spend the weekdays traveling and exploring and writing about my experiences. My daughters’ college years just might prove to be the best time and opportunity for me to gather materials for the two books that I’ve always dreamed of writing. And when my husband retires, we can travel together and spend the next several years getting to know one another all over again. Like a never ending courtship and honeymoon.
Who says an empty nest has to be lonely? It shouldn’t be for anyone who knows how to enjoy life.
Comments
31 Responses to “A taste of the empty nest syndrome”We feast everyday!
“…we can travel together and spend the next several years getting to know one another all over again. Like a never ending courtship and honeymoon…”
awww, what a nice plan!! something to really look forward to…
i’ve just had a baby myself and dreading going back to work after maternity leave… i know it’s the opposite of what you wrote here, but in a way, i’d be away from her for the most part of the day…i don’t even want to think how much i’d miss her!
thoughts like yours really make a new mum like me have a glimpse of life ahead. it might be a long time still, but thanks for sharing, truly inspiring.
Connie,
There will never be a time of inactive motherhood. It is just a phase wherein us mothers can re-group. My son started college 2008 in a school 350 miles away. Daughter’s school 150 miles away. The house strangely quiet after being used to the noise of the the highschool marching band hanging out here after practice. My husband thought i’ll go into depression knowing how much i’ll miss the kids. Oh no, not to worry, this is just a nice break from all the cooking,cleaning, and chaufering i had to do all these years. Besides, summer is here soon enough and now we go thru the whole nine yards again since they both decided to take online classes from June to August and stay home. My son has become a neat freak so i dont have to deal with his room anymore and since both of them are driving i can just concentrate on the cooking and more cooking and reading your blogs. ( I forget to tell you i still work full time as a thoracic ICU nurse).
So kids going away to college -its just a 20 minute break. I am absolutely sure you will never run out of things to do, ideas to write, and recipes to conquer.
“…never ending courtship(?) and honeymoon.” i’m not sure about the first one. but honeymoon, no loving husband will say no to that.
Never ending courtship para the flowers and chocolates keep pouring in hehehe
Ms. Connie, this would also be the perfect opportunity for that raod trip.
What a positive perspective you have. Who knows what adventures you can embark on, now that you will finally have the time?
My girls are still small, but I have set aside a box full of books which I will finally get to read when they have lives of their own.
You are brave enough to face your vulnerability, and at the same time realized options on how to cope with the future.
This entry shows a different shade of you, Connie. Thank you for sharing.
Anyways, when the kids are in college, you will have the time to finish whatever is in your bucket list (books to write) and perhaps, a road trip, this time with Speedy sans the kids
I think that facing fears at the earliest opportunity is the best way to conquer them. Old age is inevitable but it doesn’t have to be a lonely and depressing stage. I was thinking I’d be one of those people who will just drop dead one day, probably while taking photos or writing, without going through that stage where one just withers and fades. I’ll die with full bright colors on, nothing faded.
I hope so, I sure hope so.
My old friend used to say enjoy your kids well coz those precious times will not come back except in memories. It is amazing how much of parents activities revolves around the children until they will go away for college. The emptiness is just to show how much pleasure you have with the kids which is a blessing.
I always think it is better to travel while both of you are still young and healthy. Am sure Speedy is up to the challenge and find time for vacation. For me, I am not looking forward to retirement which is another lifetime. Actually, the work keep my sanity and pays the family insurance.
Anytime is always a good time. I learned that from a cancer patient.
Enjoy, Sass!
Having a husband with a great sense of humor made it easier for
me to adjust in a home whose silence is deafening because of
three childrens’ hunger for independence.”Ang ikinakatakot ko…AKO na lang ang mapapagalitan dito sa bahay na ito” my husband’s remark when my youngest daughter left.
It’s a cycle of life that I learned to accept.I have more time for myself, although there are moments that I miss them terribly.
I’m grateful that I discovered your blog.
I still find it hard to cook only for two!!!
d0d0ng, I don’t think I’ll wait for Speedy to retire before I do the traveling that writing the books requires. That’ll be quite soon. By the time Speedy retires, it’ll just be traveling for pleasure — which, of course, will probably result in more writing anyway.
EmyM, re “Having a husband with a great sense of humor”
Exactly why I don’t want the andropause curse to ever enter our house. I think men who go through andropause are even worse than women undergoing menopause.
wait wait, what the hell is ‘andropause’?!?? explain.
Oh you know, the thing you’re probably going through right now BWAHAHAHAHA
My kids are even older than yours. My wife and I have always been thinking that soon, we will be left alone in the house just like when we started. The bad thing is, that is sans the sex na hahahaha. But you’re right. We have to look at things more positively. Madadagdagan naman yan ng apo in the far future. i can’t wait when my kids will be visiting with their own kids and we will get to play around with them. The circle of life, ika nga.
The grandkids part… I thought about that. Lots of working moms leave their kids with their parents. Visits and the occasional vacation with us is great but I don’t think I want to raise grandchildren. You and Tita Nitz okay with playing yaya if ever?
P.S. Tagal-tagal mo mag-update ng blog mo! Am waiting for the post-renovation house pics.
Actually, tapos na kaya lang ang dami pa ring mga details that we have to pay attention to – read mga kalat accumulated after twenty-three years of married life. sigh!!!
You’ve got a real nice perspective on looking things in a different light. Yap being independent is what younger people like me wants to do, but sadly on my part. My mom doesn’t think so, she wants us to follow her to Canada, since she is working there as a chef. But I don’t want to go to Canada, I feel like the Philippines is my destined place to be. LOL! She’s like persuading me to take up another course in order for me to easily go to Canada, since in Canada they seem to have a rule that in order for your children to migrated they have to still be studying. What a weird rule right, I’ve already graduated as an A. B. Political Science major..! whahahah
I love this article of yours! Well i’m neither a mother nor a careerwoman, at least not yet (on my 4th year in UP Law)… but the prospect of a happy fulfilled existence at every stage of life is just wonderful.
Teen, the final decision is yours and yours alone.
Angela, as they say: Live hard, work hard, play hard.
Teen, preference is a matter of perception. Unless you have been to the place, you would not realize what you are missing. It is too soon to close out what might be a life changing opportunity. I always advocate for people to travel. The world is so huge and you don’t want to be confined in one place at such young age. Dream big.
Connie is absolutely right, the decision is yours alone. It does not need to be inflexible.
Well kuya dodong.. I guess you’re right, but I’m not really closing my doors about traveling abroad in fact I already went to Australia when I was in my teen years. I just want to be a tourist there first heheh and my very main reason why I want to stay in Phil is my sense of patriotism for the country… wahahha I guess being a pol. sci. major really stayed behind.. I know I still need experiences to help me to what I want to be..
Connie,
Kapag nag road trip kayo ni Speedy, include Texas in your itenerary. Mag food-tripping tayo dito kung type mo ang steaks and barbecue. That would be a lot of fun-treat ko.
Wow, thanks! Speedy loves cowboy food so very, very much.
One of the reasons I did not entertain the idea of having a really big house because husband and wife will be left behind later on when kids grow up and have their own lives. It will be too spacious for the two of you. What will both of you do inside that huge house then? Play hide-and-seek? Peace.
Hide and sex, perhaps? HAHAHAHAHA
O para sa mga health conscious peeps.
Role playing is fun like doctor and nurse.
Or as massage therapist, tanggal ang mga sakit sa katawan, di ba?
HAHAHAHA Ayos! So long as I get to play doctor. I have a meat syringe — you know, the one for injecting brine into a turkey? hehehehe
True – there are so many things that couples can do once the kids are gone and on their own. It’s like dating and getting-to- know-you all over again. Like, the wife has gotten her baking act together at home, we stroll outside anytime we want to, get to meet our friends and hang out till midnight (no early-to-bed-cuz-the-school-bus-will-come-early routine) and we can just do about anything – and I mean anything! – we fancy in the house. It’s quite liberating really. The only downside is when my other half feels the urge to bond with the two sons back home, she books herself a ticket presto and am left paying the airline bill. I work, so can’t just up and go! In this case, I get the shorter end of the stick, I think!
“she books herself a ticket presto and am left paying the airline bill.”
Thank you very much for the tip.
Speedy works too and can’t just up and go.
Haha! Us guys will always end up dehado……
Di ka pa sanay? hehehehe
Hi Connie,
My mother had been a Lt. Colonel in the WAAC’s and then Air Force before my twin sister and I were born. In those days, women had to leave the service when they became pregnant. She was an older stay-home Mom in the fifties and sixties, a lonely estate for a woman who had previously had an exciting career. She suffered from clinical depression, and when we went off to college, her empty nest was empty indeed.
I was always afraid of having kids, staying home, and the empty nest because the blueprint I had been given was not very promising. I was determined to NOT follow in my Mother’s footsteps.
I had a corporate career prior to my son, then stayed home with him, and sent him off to college last year. But my empty nest has been full—like an overflowing bucket list. My new career is a college and career counselor. I wrote a blog post on the empty nest called “Graduation, Rites of Passage and Letting Go,” (www.tiny.cc/collegeblog) that you and your readers might enjoy.